This is Weird!
by Curtis Wildcat
Summary: More things are happening in Part Eight than can be listed here. Basically, what CAN be said is: mazoku, or not?
1. A Sorceress's Paradise

This is Weird! ----  
A Sorceress's Paradise  
Part One  
  
Author: G. A. Curtis Wildcat  
  
A "Slayers" Production  
  
Meant to be silly. Care to MST? Drop me a line. Just  
don't flame me; fire extinguishers are all the rage nowadays.  
  
These don't take place in any particular order.  
  
E-mail: supreme_cat@hotmail.com  
  
-----------------------------  
  
It was just your typical day. Thus, the citizens of Atlas City   
going about their normal business paid no heed to Lina, Gourry,  
Zelgadis, and Amelia as they raced out of town towards the  
distant threat.  
  
--Four monstrous golems in the shape of giant penguins; nothing we   
can't handle--, Lina decided. She began gathering energy with one  
hand. With a cry of "FIREE-BALL!", she released her attack  
and completely disintegrated one of the charging golems.  
  
Gourry continued his own charge towards another golem. Summoning  
the blade of the Sword of Light, he proceeded to slice and dice  
said golem six ways from Tuesday.  
  
Zelgadis leaped a few feet in the air and remained there, hovering.  
He gathered energy in his hand and released it as a barrage of heavy  
winds. The windstorm completely eroded one golem and partially  
eroded the fourth, leaving it open for Amelia's Bram Blazer to  
finish.  
  
Lina dusted off her hands. "That was easy enough. Now, let's eat!"  
  
"I'm all for that," Gourry answered, putting his sword away.  
  
"Sure, Miss Lina," Amelia agreed, joining the duo as they walked  
back into the city.  
  
Surprisingly enough, even Zelgadis decided to join them. This struck  
Lina as odd, since he normally didn't decide to join them without  
a battle of wills. Finally, she just shrugged it off and decided to  
enter the closest tavern.  
  
Almost immediately, they were greeted by the owner of the tavern.  
"Greetings, Miss Inverse!" he exclaimed happily.  
  
"What's with the wondrous good mood?" Gourry asked.  
  
"We've been expecting you for the past hour, and we have some  
wondrous good news!"  
  
"Good news as in...?" Lina asked pointedly.  
  
"You remember that drawing you entered in a week ago? The one where  
you said that it was, in your words, `a big, fat, idiotic waste of  
my time'? Well, you've won the drawing, and the prizes are  
3-gold-coin coupons for the All-You-Can-Eat lunch buffet!"  
  
Lina and Gourry stood there, struck dumbfounded. "Lunch coupons?"  
Amelia asked in a small voice. Zelgadis was a bit confused, as  
well.  
  
"That's right," the manager said in a victorious tone. "Today only,  
you're welcome to the All-You-Can-Eat buffet. Everyone else won't  
be coming in for another few hours, so you have the buffet all to  
yourself!"  
  
Amelia smacked a fist into an open palm as Gourry took the coupons.  
"Well, what are we waiting for? It's LUNCH TIME!"  
  
After paying for the coupons, everyone raced for the buffet. Their  
minds jumped clear over Atlas's defense walls as they gazed on the  
food that was set out before them: everything from steak, eggs, BLT  
sandwiches, and salads to even a few extras from beyond the  
continent.  
  
Six hours later.....  
  
"This is great!" Lina announced to no one in particular as she and  
Amelia relaxed in a steam bath on the other side of town.  
  
"You're telling me." Amelia's grin must've been contagious, because  
soon Lina had a smile from ear to ear as well. "You were laughing  
so hard that people a block away thought you were auditioning for  
the role of `court jester'!"  
  
The happiness Lina was experiencing must've been overwhelming; she  
completely ignored Amelia's statements. "Tomorrow, I am DEFINITELY  
going on a shopping spree! Just imagine how much money I---"  
  
-------------  
  
"LINA INVERSE, WAKE UP!!!"  
  
Lina abruptly snapped awake, shoving the blankets off her. "Wha...?  
What's going on?"  
  
"A monster's raiding the inn, that's what," Zelgadis snapped. "I've  
been screaming and yelling at you for the last six minutes!"  
  
"Aw, great," Lina growled as she grabbed her cape. "Then all that  
good stuff I experienced must've been a dream!"  
  
"A dream?" Zelgadis asked, slightly calmer. He chuckled quietly.  
"Were you having the `Good Times' dream that the Atlas City Guild  
told you about?"  
  
"Shut up," Lina snarled. "Let's get downstairs!"  
  
Downstairs, a monster had assumed the form of a giant bat and was  
floating around, just scaring everyone half to death. Zelgadis,  
Lina, and Gourry, who had joined them on the way down, raced back  
downstairs to confront the monster----and then the bat started  
laughing.  
  
"What are you laughing at, Dracula?" the now-furious Lina Inverse  
inquired.  
  
"You!" the bat sniggered. "Look in the mirror!"  
  
Lina did so...and immediately regretted that decision. "Must be a  
serious case of `Bed Hair'," Zelgadis commented. "Looks worse than  
mine after a lightning storm, and that's saying something."  
  
Lina just groaned. "The one bad thing about having a good dream is  
that you have to wake up to an even worse reality."  
  
"Um, Lina, I think your boots and gloves are still upstairs," Gourry  
piped up.  
  
"See what I mean, Zel?"  
  
------------------------------------  
  
More chapters on the way with entirely different plotlines. 


	2. Falsified Kidnapping

This is Weird!  
---Falsified Kidnapping  
  
Part 2 in a weird series  
  
A "Slayers" production by G. A. Curtis Wildcat  
  
supreme_cat@hotmail.com  
  
Don't send any flames, please. What do you think the "Delete" key  
is used for?  
  
---------------------------  
  
"Look, I'm telling you that the sandwiches here are the best on the  
continent!"  
  
"Hey, the chicken soup doesn't taste half bad either, Lina!"  
  
Lina and Gourry had stopped in a tavern in Crimson Town on  
their way to visit a few old friends---rather, the few that Lina  
actually had; it's rather hard to make friends with a person who  
uses a Dragon Slave to settle an argument. Zelgadis had  
decided to leave the group behind temporarily in order to resume  
his search for a remedy. Amelia, with some misgivings, had  
decided to leave Seyruun in order to meet these surprising  
individuals. They couldn't make the whole journey in half a week,  
much less a day; and thus, here they were. Things would get worse,  
though. Xellos had popped in on them right before they entered  
town; he claimed to have sighted the once-thought-to-be-dead  
Phibrizzo eating soft-serve ice cream in Seyruun, so tensions were  
rather high.  
  
"BLT sandwich!"  
"Chicken soup!"  
"BLT sandwich!"  
"Chicken soup!"  
"BLT SANDWICH, AND THAT'S FINAL!"  
"CHICKEN SOUP, LIKEWISE!"  
"WHAT PART OF 'THAT'S FINAL' IS CONFUSING YOU, JELLY-HEAD?"  
  
Xellos, who noticed that Amelia had wisely stepped out of the  
way of the argument, decided to intervene. "Look, they're ALL  
good. You might as well decide----"  
  
"NO ONE ASKED YOU, MR. "THAT-IS-A-SECRET"!" Lina shouted.  
  
"Okay, okay! I'm just saying that you might want to think of what  
you want QUICKLY before the waiters come back!" Xellos said hastily.  
  
"I'll decide WHAT I want WHEN I want it and no time sooner!" Lina's  
face was visibly turning crimson with anger.  
  
"On the contrary," Xellos retorted, changing gears abruptly.  
"You'll get a BLT sandwich RIGHT NOW before I hit you on the head  
with my staff."  
  
"Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!" The teenage sorceress was starting to  
reach the boiling point. "WHY won't you shut up?!"  
  
Xellos grinned; he couldn't resist this opportunity. "That....is a  
secret."  
  
"Why, you little....!" Lina jumped out of her seat and threw a fist  
towards Xellos. The monster-in-human-form deftly dodged the  
blow---but the punch neatly put a hole in the wall behind him.  
  
"Hey, don't look at me. You asked for it!"   
  
---  
  
"FLARE ARROW!"  
"ELMEKIA LANCE!"  
"BRAM BLAZER!"  
"DRAGO---eh, ditch the Dragon Slave. FREEZE BLADE!"  
"BURST RONDO!"  
"RA TILT!"  
  
---  
  
When the smoke cleared, Lina was breathing heavily from the  
rapid-fire attacks she had launched. Gourry had went to the other  
side of the tavern, presumably to avoid the attacks. Amelia was  
still where she was on the outer edge of the explosive attacks.  
Xellos was sitting on a chair, having avoided each of the attacks  
cleanly and being quite pleased with himself.  
  
As for the tavern? The wall that they were sitting near was  
blasted wide open due to Lina's attacks.  
  
The waiter, who had joined them during Lina's assault, looked at  
Amelia. "I'm sorry. What was it you said you wanted?"  
  
Amelia looked at the damaged tavern, then gave a depressed sigh.  
"On second thought, sir, I think I'll have the cheesecake instead."  
  
----  
  
The manager of the tavern was not a very happy man. "I don't  
believe this," he moaned. "Just HOW am I going to get the money to  
pay for all this?"  
  
He knew how the place was nearly destroyed, of course; almost every  
tavern-owning citizen on the continent had dealt with Lina Inverse  
at one point or another. Judging by her garb, he assumed that she  
had some money with her. Thinking back to the people that were with  
her, he decided on what was a plausible---at least to him---solution  
to the problem.  
  
A secret kidnapping.  
  
----  
  
There would be no problem as regards being heard. One of the other  
sleepers in the inn had this really bad snoring habit, so most of  
those staying for the night had burrowed some ear plugs.  
  
Amelia was one of them.  
  
The manager had snuck into the room in the dead of night, almost  
tripping over a few odds and ends as he did so. He was at a loss  
as to how he was going to drag her out until he remembered a swift  
and sneaky technique that his uncle had taught him. "How did he  
do it...ah! Now I remember!" he muttered to himself.  
  
--  
  
Amelia didn't wake up until 8 hours later, when a ray of sunshine  
shone through the window onto her face. Blinking, she tried to  
stand up---but found herself tied to a chair with her hands tied  
behind her back. "Hey! Who's there?! Get over here and untie me!"  
  
"I can't do that," the manager said, stepping out of the shadows  
ominously. "I'm holding you ransom."  
  
"Ransom? WHY?" Amelia asked curiously.  
  
"My building nearly got destroyed by that wretched Inverse lady,  
lady," the manager growled. "You're not leaving until I get the  
ransom money from her!"  
  
"Oh, she'll be by, all right," Amelia shot back, "and the horses  
of justice are going to leave hoofprints on your face!"  
  
"That's a new one," the manager said sarcastically.  
  
Amelia ignored the man's remark. "How did you get me in here? Tell  
me!"  
  
"I used a special technique to get you out of bed and into that  
chair," the manager said. "Namely, what I did was grab your arm and  
run like my life depended on it. With those ear plugs, you never  
even heard me!"  
  
Amelia just groaned...."How could I have been captured so easily?"  
she mused quietly. With that thought out of her mind, she settled  
down and waited for Lina and Gourry to show up.  
  
--  
ONE HOUR LATER  
--  
  
The manager walked back into the back room with a tense look on his  
face. Amelia snapped her head back up. "Has Lina shown up yet?"  
  
"Not yet," the manager muttered with a smug look on his face, "but  
I'm sure she will."  
  
--  
ONE HOUR LATER  
--  
  
"Blast it, Lina, where are you?" the manager and Amelia murmured  
simultaneously.  
  
Two hours had gone by since Amelia had woken up, but Lina still  
hadn't shown up. Just what was keeping her?  
  
"You better hope she shows up soon. The longer she delays, the  
longer you stay in that chair," the manager said briefly.  
  
"I hate you," Amelia muttered. She gave a sigh of relief. "Whew!  
That felt good to say."  
  
--  
TWO HOURS LATER  
--  
  
Four hours had gone by overall, and it was close to lunchtime.  
Still no sign of the two Slayers. Amelia and the manager were  
bored out of their skulls.  
  
Amelia looked around, looking for something to occupy her mind. Her  
gaze focused on the manager. "That hat...is it new?"  
  
"Yeah...bought it just a few days ago," the manager said. "My old  
one accidentally got set on fire while I was cleaning out the  
house's chimney..."  
  
--  
THREE HOURS LATER  
--  
  
"So, when that guy from Sairaag offered you that bum deal, you  
actually hired that crazy swordsman to go after him?" Amelia asked.  
  
"Yes. He brought back the salesman before the crook even knew what  
hit him, but it took him about a week to do it!"  
  
The two of them laughed for probably the 70th time in the last  
few hours. No one had shown up recently to pay the ransom and set  
Amelia free, so the manager had decided to oblige her with his life  
story. In the end, despite the situation, Amelia was starting to  
enjoy herself.  
  
The two of them fell silent for the first time in hours as the story  
ended. They stared at each other, not knowing the next step in the  
plan to get the ransom money. Finally, the manager just groaned to  
himself and walked out of the room, leaving Amelia alone with her  
thoughts.  
  
"When is Lina going to come and rescue me?"  
"Just how much is that tavern worth to him?"  
"I wonder what a cheesecake sandwich tastes like."  
  
--  
ONE HOUR LATER  
--  
  
"That's it. I give up," the manager blurted out. "I'm sick and  
tired of waiting, so I'm just going to set you loose."  
  
"Huh?" That got Amelia's attention. "What do you mean?"  
  
"If she was going to show up, she would've done so by now. You're  
free to go."  
  
This left the Seyruun princess even more surprised than ever. "But  
what about the money you have to pay to rebuild that part of the  
tavern?"  
  
The manager just sighed; he must've been thinking about this for the  
past hour. "I think I'll just sell a few things and get the money  
that way." He stooped down to untie Amelia's hands and feet.  
"Besides, now that I think about, kidnapping just isn't my  
specialty."  
  
Freed, Amelia stood up and stretched her muscles for a few seconds.  
"I could you get you the money."  
  
"You can?" the manager asked suspiciously. "How?"  
  
"Simple," Amelia replied smugly. "I'm Amelia, the princess of  
Seyruun!"  
  
"YOU'RE the princess of Seyruun?!" the manager blurted out again.  
"Well, why didn't you say so in the first place? I could've set  
you free a lot sooner!"  
  
Amelia shrugged. "I dunno. Tell you what, though. Send a courier  
to Seyruun in my name and have him talk to my dad, Prince Phil.  
He'll get you every coin you need to repair the damage."  
  
The manager nodded. "Great. Thanks." He started to leave, then  
paused. "You can grab a sandwich on the way out, if you want,"  
he said.  
  
Amelia smiled. "I just might do that."  
  
---  
  
A few days or so later, Amelia finally caught up with Lina and  
Gourry not far from their destination. This invoked a puzzled  
reaction from Lina, considering that she hadn't expected to see  
her here---and that Amelia was steaming angry. "Amelia! What are  
you doing here?"  
  
"You didn't know that I was kidnapped?" Amelia protested.  
  
This startled Lina. "Kidnapped...?"  
  
"So THAT'S why she wasn't in her room at the inn!" Gourry said  
thoughtfully.  
  
"Well, what did you THINK I was doing?" Amelia was starting to  
lose her temper....  
  
"I don't know," Lina said calmly. "You didn't seem too thrilled  
about joining us, so I had assumed you had just gone back to  
Seyruun."  
  
Amelia realized that there wasn't any way that she was going to  
get through to her, so she just sweatdropped and slowly calmed  
herself down. "I'm still not too happy about it. I think you owe  
me."  
  
Lina sweatdropped at that statement. "Owe you what?"  
  
"For one, you're paying the bill at the next tavern we stay in,"  
Amelia stated. "And for another...I could use some pain medicine.  
My shoulder hurts."  
  
"Sitting in a chair with your hands tied behind your back can do  
that to you," Xellos commented from the safety of some nearby trees.  
"Trust me. I know."  
  
"Okay, I will," Lina said to Amelia, not one to be foxed out of her  
money, "but if you get a cheesecake sandwich, YOU'RE the one paying  
the bill."  
  
The Seyruun princess looked at her in shock. "So you've been  
thinking about that, too!"  
  
The three of them---plus Xellos---began walking again towards the  
village. In the end, Lina got in the last word. "I'd say `great  
minds think alike', except lying is unjust."  
  
"Rrr...stop stealing my material!"  
  
"I'll steal it if I want to, Justice Friend," Lina remarked. She  
started laughing at that little joke.  
  
Three seconds later, though, she was caught off-guard by a ticked  
off princess...a ticked-off princess with the Fists of Justice.  
  
*KA-POW!* "Hey, that hurt! Why, you little...!"   
  
"What a way to end this anecdote," Xellos muttered, sarcasm coloring  
his voice. He looked on as the two females fought each other, then  
sighed. [Guess I'd better end this fight quickly], he thought,  
raising his staff above his head and walking towards them quietly.  
  
*CLOBBER* *THUNK* "D'OH!" "AAH!"  
  
-----  
  
Could've been better, I admit; but then again, This is Weird!  
There's SUPPOSED to be room for improvement. It's a lot bigger  
than the first part, and it only took me 24 hours to do this when I  
got started. I'm quite impressed.  
  
If you thought that was dumb, you should see what the next chapter  
is like. 


	3. Phibrizzo Impossible

This is Weird!  
---Phibrizzo Impossible  
  
Part Three  
  
A "Slayers" production by G. A. Curtis Wildcat  
  
No flames, please. I'm sitting against a fire hydrant.  
  
------------  
  
The young, black-haired boy stared up at the sky from where he was  
sitting in a tall tree. These had not been the best times for him,  
especially since the events outside Sairaag not too long ago. The  
Lord of Nightmares was not going to take those events sitting down.  
  
The boy was almost completely certain that he was going to die that  
day, considering the extent of his injuries. However, L-sama had  
made it perfectly clear that she wanted to control the world, not  
destroy it; thus, screwing up Lina's Giga Slave attack was not the  
way she wanted the kid to do it. After emphasizing her point with  
a noisemaker and an exploding bag of confetti, she released him back  
into the humans' world on the condition that he would remain in his  
current form. Easy for her to say---the kid had become trapped in  
his current state a few years ago, no thanks to a short fight with  
an insane court jester that left his transformation abilities  
scarred permenantly.  
  
He didn't care too much for humans in general. He knew one thing  
for certain, though: Seyruun's soft-serve chocolate ice cream was a  
cut above the rest. Maybe humans weren't THAT bad, after all....  
  
[Look out, anti-ice cream citizens,] Phibrizzo laughed inwardly.  
[I may have been nuked, but I got better!] *  
  
Phibrizzo looked up at sky through the trees. Judging by the  
position of the sun, he had 8, maybe 9 hours before he was to retire  
for the day; even powerful monsters have to rest sometime. Lazily,  
he picked an apple off a nearby branch and began chewing it quietly.  
  
And tumbled off the branch when a large spider tried to bite his  
hand.  
  
Phibrizzo teleported out of the air, then rematerialized a few  
inches above the ground. "Nice try, spidey," he chuckled...then  
stopped. "Spidey? That sounds ridiculous." Shrugging his  
shoulders, he grabbed another apple and continued on his way.  
  
A series of footsteps caught his attention from behind, but when  
Phibrizzo turned around, there was no one there. "Must be my  
imagination," he said to himself as he continued walking---  
  
---smack into an apple tree. He stopped moving momentarily as a  
cascade of apples rained down from the tree, a few of them bouncing  
off his head.  
  
These were not the best times for him.  
  
----  
  
When Phibrizzo resumed his walk a few minutes later, he kept his  
eyes focused on what was in front of him. Spotting a farm in the  
distance, he walked towards it---maybe the people there had info on  
Lina Inverse's whereabouts, and maybe he could leech a free meal off  
them in the process. Even if they didn't know where she was, it  
wouldn't be a total loss.  
  
Deciding to take a shortcut directly across a pasture, Phibrizzo  
was wondering where everyone was. "Maybe they're having lunch or  
something," he said to himself. "Perhaps I should wait until---"  
  
He heard a female voice shout out from the farm. "Okay, cows.  
Milking time's over. Back to the pasture with ya!" There was a  
sliding of wood against wood as the barn door slid open---  
  
"Alright, I'm convinced," Phibrizzo snapped. "There is NO way  
for that many cows to be crowded inside ONE barn."  
  
109 cows had streamed out of the barn and created a virtual stampede  
as they began to spread out throughout the field. Several of them  
didn't stop running, much to Phibrizzo's chagrin. Seconds before  
they rammed into him, he teleported to the opposite end of the  
field.  
  
The kid/monster thought he was safe. He was about to learn a new  
lesson, though: you're only safe if there is nothing else behind  
you. By the time Phibrizzo learned that, though, it was too late:  
he had gotten himself implanted in the side of the barn, thanks  
to the kicking of a high-strung bull.  
  
Phibrizzo pulled himself out of the wall and checked himself for  
injuries. Satisfied that he was A-OK, he then turned around and  
headed for the farmhouse. He didn't make it 10 feet, however, when  
he was halted by a commanding voice:  
  
"Hold it right there, mister!"  
  
The H-master nearly jumped a few feet in the air. "I didn't do it!"  
he exclaimed, spinning around---  
  
---to see the teenage girl that had ordered the cows out to pasture.  
"You're trespassing on my parents' property," she snapped. "Get  
your sorry carcass out of here!" She brushed some of her brown hair  
out of her eye and glared at Phibrizzo indignantly.  
  
"Perhaps you don't realize just who you're dealing with," the  
H-master said quietly, a smirk forming on his face. "My name is  
Phibrizzo, as in `the Monster General,' the Lord of the Dead."  
  
"I don't care if you're the `INSPECTOR General'," the brunette  
responded angrily. "I'm giving you 15 seconds to get out of here.  
If you're not long gone by that time, Mr. Lord-of-the-Dance or  
whoever you are, it won't matter WHAT your name is since I'll be  
changing it to `mud'!"  
  
Phibrizzo almost burst out laughing at those insults. [Creative,]  
he said to himself. Deciding to put her out of her misery, he  
reached into an unknown subspace pocket behind him and drew a  
small, yellow sphere into his hand. "Perhaps you would like a  
demonstration of my power?"  
  
To his surprise, the teen didn't even flinch; she swiped the sphere  
out of his hands, examined it closely for a few seconds, then tossed  
the sphere away. "The peach is rotten. Besides, I don't take  
bribes, anyway." In the meantime, the sphere came to a landing in  
the soft grass and dirt; it slowly de-materialized and disappeared   
seconds later, leaving the farmer's daughter mysteriously unharmed.  
  
[What...?! This is ridiculous!] Phibrizzo shouted inwardly. He  
calmed himself down as he re-evaluated the situation. [If I  
suddenly decided to carry out my purpose for being here, she'll  
wonder at the giant mood swing and get all indignant on me again.  
If I just stand here like an idiot, she'll rant and rave until her  
face turns blue....] He grinned at this. [To be honest, that  
seems like an amusing sight, but I think I'll combine the two  
together.]  
  
"WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR, CHILD DELINQUENT?" the brown-haired girl  
screamed. "Make yourself scarce, pronto!"  
  
Phibrizzo didn't move. He just looked at her, his arms folded.  
  
"What are you waiting for, an open invitation?" the girl shouted  
again. "Scram! Vamoose! Get lost! Good-bye!"  
  
No response.  
  
"THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING, IDIOT! LEAVE, NOW!!!"  
  
No comment at this time.  
  
--  
  
Several minutes went on by; and in the meantime, the girl proceeded  
to shout herself hoarse. Phibrizzo didn't bat an eyelid; he looked  
at her calmly. He was starting to think that he had won, so he  
decided to make his move.  
  
"Look, lady. I'm not looking for any trouble. One, I've been on my  
own for years ever since my parents left, so I just need something  
to eat; that's it."  
  
The brunette looked at him, puzzled, and spoke in a much calmer  
voice. "Well, why didn't you say so in the first place?"  
  
Phibrizzo grinned. "I dunno...it was kind of funny watching you  
scream..."  
  
"Yeah, I'm sure," the teen scoffed. "C'mon. I'll get you a  
sandwich."  
  
--  
  
As it turned out, the teen's parents were in a nearby village,  
exchanging crops for cash, so asking for information about Lina  
Inverse seemed like it was out of the question.  
  
"Y'know, there've been a lot of people disturbing the peace  
recently," the brunette commented off-hand.  
  
Phibrizzo didn't look up from the sandwich that he was eating.  
"Oh?"  
  
"Yeah," the brunette said. "Recently, there've been sightings of  
people setting off fireworks and blowing up stuff for no good  
reason."  
  
After swallowing the bite that he was on, Phibrizzo looked at her  
intently. [Boy, does THAT sound familiar.] "Go on..."  
  
"There's not much else I CAN say," the teen confessed. "But I do  
know one thing: I sighted a guy passing through here with purple  
hair, closed eyes, and a smile that must've been permenantly  
attached to his face. This was about a day ago."  
  
[Xellos,] Phibrizzo thought as he continued chewing. [Is he STILL  
following Lina Inverse? I think I'll catch up to him and see if  
ol' Z-M has resumed direct command.]  
  
After finishing off the sandwich and washing it down with a glass of  
milk, Phibrizzo decided to take his leave. The farmer's daughter  
stepped outside to see him off, then started back towards the barn.  
  
When Phibrizzo was a good distance away from the farm, he turned  
around to see the brunette walking away. "Nothing better than  
getting in the last word," he said to himself. Raising his hand, he  
shot a dark beam of fire in the teen's direction.  
  
--  
  
The brunette took no notice of the incoming attack; instead, she was  
focusing on the bright yellow flower directly in front of her.  
After a second, she bent down to pick it up.  
  
The deadly beam of fire shot right over her head and fizzled out  
100 meters away from her.  
  
--  
  
Phibrizzo's eye twitched involuntarily. Did he have to have his  
life screwed up at every turn? He turned and started running as  
fast as he could away from the farm. When he got a good distance  
away, he screamed: "JUST WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS, HUH?!"  
  
Perhaps it was his imagination, but in the distance he thought he  
could hear the Lord of Nightmares...  
  
...collapsing into a giggling fit.  
  
[These are NOT the best of times for me], Phibrizzo mused as he  
started on Xellos and Lina's trail, grabbing an apple off a  
nearby tree as he did so. [It could be worse, though.]  
  
A few meters away, the same spider from earlier began chasing him.  
  
----  
  
Part Three Concluded  
  
* -- A vague reference to Monty Python's "The Holy Grail". Congrats  
to you if you know what the original line was. ^_^  
  
The next part: The Trickster Priest meets the trickster criminal.  
That's right; for the next part only, the Joker himself comes out  
to have some fun with the Slayers gang! This is weird, but it'll  
only get weirder. Mark my words!  
  
(End) 


	4. A: Trickster Priest, Meet Clown Prince

This is Weird!  
---Trickster Priest, meet Clown Prince  
  
Part 4.A  
  
A "Slayers" production by G. A. Curtis Wildcat  
  
The only flames that exist in Curtis World come from my  
fireplace, comprende?  
  
----------  
  
THREE YEARS AGO  
  
-  
  
The diminutive, black-haired thief snuck into the palace in the dead  
of the night. No one would convict him, Phibrizzo, one of Shabranigdu's  
foremost loyalists, of stealing the three most powerful amulets on the  
continent from a wealthy prince---as long as he remained in the form  
of a child. This was only the second time he appeared as a kid in all  
his years, and he was going to put his appearance to good use. He  
was going to steal the amulets, retreat to his sanctuary, and destroy  
them.  
  
His attempt at thievery didn't go unnoticed. As he snuck towards the  
room where the amulets were stored, a man in a purple coat and  
jester's hat stepped out of the shadows. "Kid, you're not supposed to be  
here," he growled. "Go home." He stepped into the moonlight, which  
lit up his white face and dark-green hair---odd, especially for a human.  
  
"And what makes you think I'm going to leave?" Phibrizzo shot back.  
"Do you want me to tell the king about that little stunt you pulled  
with the fountain and the brass racquet?"  
  
The man dashed at him, brandishing a dagger. Phibrizzo deftly  
shot out of the way; he started to go for his more powerful  
weapons, but restrained himself. He couldn't afford to have himself  
found out as a Monster Lord.  
  
This routine continued on for several minutes until the man finally  
halted his attack, staring straight at the monster. "If you don't go,  
I'm going to have to give you some pie," he said.  
  
Perhaps it was Phibrizzo's imagination, but there was something about  
the man's smile that followed that sent violent chills down his spine.  
The mention of "pie", though, made no sense. What could be so  
harmful about pie? "I'll take the pie, and then I'll do what I set  
out to do," the disguised Monster lord retorted.  
  
"All right, fine. Here," the jester remarked, holding out a slice of  
pie. It was decorated with a little smiley face, with cherries for  
eyes and chocolate cream for a mouth. Phibrizzo took the pie slice  
and polished it off in 60 seconds flat.  
  
"Farewell, my boy," the man said as he walked away. Phibrizzo  
resumed the hunt for the amulets, wiping the chocolate cream off  
his mouth....  
  
A chuckle escaped his lips. (What...what's happening...?) he  
shouted mentally. The chuckle became childish giggling. (It must've  
been...that pie!...Heh...eh-heh...)  
  
Phibrizzo stumbled back towards the door, hoping to get out of the  
castle, but fell face-first on the floor instead. Something in the  
back of his mind said that he was going to get caught, but the gales  
of all-out laughter prevented him from moving more than a couple feet.  
(Blasted...court jester!...I'm going to....) He gasped momentarily,  
then resumed his cackling. (...be the...ha-hah...first monster to...  
heh...become a total...ha-ha-heh...lunatic....!)  
  
The force of the laughter drove any and all conscious thoughts out of  
his mind. Even deeper within, where his transformation abilities  
were present and ready to work, something snapped under the weight  
and collapsed, burying them permenantly. The monster general remained  
where he was, pounding the floor in-between fits.  
  
And that was where the maids and attendants of the prince found him the  
next morning: on the floor, with swirls for eyes and a huge grin on  
his face.  
  
--  
  
PRESENT TIME  
  
---  
  
Violent explosions consisting of fireballs and flying bandits partially  
blocked the horizon. Shouts of "Money!" and "Fight!" echoed distantly  
throughout the forest.  
  
Through it all, a half-mile away from the explosions, Xellos was taking  
a light nap underneath the shelter of a tree. When the fighting  
finally ceased, he glanced up and looked around. "Sounds like Lina'll  
be back soon," he muttered. "Guess I'll rejoin her and the others."  
He teleported out of the tree.  
  
And wound up rematerializing directly above a purple-coated man  
with a white face. It took all of his concentration to keep from  
falling on top of him. (-Strange individual,-) he thought. (-He  
does seem rather familiar, though...-)  
  
---  
  
THREE YEARS AGO  
  
---  
  
Xellos found the raven-haired boy stretched out on a bed in the  
doctor's office. He didn't appear to be in too good a condition,  
either. (-Not much surprises me,-) Xellos thought, (-but this one takes  
the cake! Just who in the world did this to you?-)  
  
He leaned over and whispered something in the boy's general direction...  
  
The kid snapped out of it immediately, blinking his eyes. He then  
frowned and glared straight at Xellos. "No, I do NOT have bad taste  
in transformations, XELLOS," he snapped. "What'd you say that for?"  
  
Xellos shrugged. "Beastmaster Zelas told me to wake you up. She  
didn't say how." He chuckled a little. "Besides, purple really isn't  
your color."  
  
Phibrizzo sighed angrily. "I really ought to have a talk with her one  
of these da--" His entire body shuddered violently. "What?! Errgh!"  
  
Xellos blinked, confused. "Something wrong?"  
  
"I should know if there's something wrong," Phibrizzo said, nearly  
shouting outright. "And I DO know, because for some odd reason, I  
can't change back to my normal form!"  
  
"And...how'd this happen?" Xellos inquired, intrigued.  
  
"Welllll," Phibrizzo started, drawing out the first word, "I was  
raiding that castle in order to seek and destroy those amulets. I  
was attacked by a man in a purple coat and a white face. He  
had this grin that scared even me, and that's saying something. He  
threatened me with pie, I took it and ate it, and it turned me into a  
literal laughingstock for the next 10 minutes. I don't know where he  
is now, so don't even ask."  
  
Phibrizzo tried changing back again by putting every ounce of effort  
into it. This time, he managed to summon his monster form for a full  
minute, but the strain of maintaining it that long caused a violent  
vibration that nearly shattered his body---as well as nearly putting  
a hole in the roof. His eyes widened as he realized something.  
"Could laughing that hard have messed up my morphing?" His  
hands went to his face. "The most powerful of Shabranigdu's  
minions, trapped in a child's form?" He had to restrain himself  
to keep from sobbing; the last thing he needed was to be  
embarrassed in front of Zelas Metallium's loopy priest.  
  
"Possibly," Xellos said with a wide grin on his face. "But I can say  
this for certain: you can use that form to good advantage, since  
children 12 and under eat at the taverns for free! And the special  
this week is: `blueberry pie'!"  
  
Too late for restraint. "You're not helping," Phibrizzo groaned  
as Xellos phased out. "I only wish I knew where to find that joker...."  
he growled as he disappeared as well.  
  
----------------  
  
PRESENT TIME  
  
--------------  
  
(-He's the one!-) Xellos mused, staring at the man below him. (-He's  
the same one from Phibrizzo's description!-) He landed behind him,  
deciding to talk to him and find out more. "Pardon me, sir, but  
you wouldn't have happened to have an encounter with a purple-shirted  
kid a few years ago, huh?"  
  
"Oh, yeah," the man chuckled, turning around. "What's it to you,  
Zero-Eyes?"  
  
Xellos just shrugged. "Just checking and making sure," he said. "Who  
are you?"  
  
"It's not really important, since I can't stay too long in this world,  
anyway," the white-faced man grinned.  
  
Xellos's eyes opened a bit wider. "And what's that supposed to mean?"  
  
"What I mean is, I'm from another plane of reality. A plane where  
people such as yourself are mere forms of entertainment for the masses.  
I didn't want to just watch the action, so I decided to find a way  
to become a part of it." He gestured to himself. "And as you can see,  
I succeeded. I tried a little experiment with that kid; I was merely  
trying to make him LAUGH. Unfortunately, I had to return home, so I  
couldn't see what happened next."  
  
"I see..." a smile of Xellos's own faded into being. "Any chance you  
could make people laugh without that particular experiment? Without  
poisoning the food or the air, I mean? Could be good for a few laughs  
on our part, as well."  
  
"I have all kinds of ideas!" the man shouted dramatically. "And they  
don't have be diabolically evil, either!"  
  
"Very well, then," Xellos smiled. "I guess I can work with you for a  
while. They don't call me `Xellos, the Trickster Priest' for nothing."  
  
"And they don't call me `The Joker' for nothing, either," the  
man snickered eerily. He stared at Xellos. "What happened to that  
kid, anyway?"  
  
"He's still alive, but he cracked like an egg," was all Xellos had to  
say. But that was okay; the Joker never had a doubt, and Gotham City  
wasn't the only place where he was going to be infamous.  
  
----  
  
Continued in Part 4.B.  
  
Two strawberry black-headed sorceresses? A certain Knight becoming  
clumsy? The Joker's in town, and those pranks aren't the only ones  
up the sleeve of his purple sport coat! 


	5. B: Practical Jokers

This is Weird!  
---Practical Jokers  
  
Part 4.B  
  
A "Slayers" production by G. A. Curtis Wildcat  
  
The second chapter of Part Four will be a lot bigger than  
usual, since I have a number of pranks to outline. Don't worry;  
everything gets straightened out eventually.  
  
No flames, please. My drinking soda doubles as a fire extinguisher.  
  
--  
Previously, on "This is Weird!"....  
--  
  
3 years ago....  
  
As Phibrizzo snuck towards the room where the amulets were stored,  
a man in a purple coat and jester's hat stepped out of the shadows.  
"Kid, you're not supposed to be here," he growled. "Go home." He  
stepped into the moonlight, which lit up his white face and  
dark-green hair---odd, especially for a human.  
  
--  
  
Present time...  
  
Xellos teleported out of the tree.  
  
And wound up rematerializing directly above a purple-coated man  
with a white face. It took all of his concentration to keep from  
falling on top of him. (-Strange individual,-) he thought. (-He  
does seem rather familiar, though...-)  
  
--  
  
3 years ago....  
  
"I should know if there's something wrong," Phibrizzo said, nearly  
shouting outright. "And I DO know, because for some odd reason, I  
can't change back to my normal form!"  
  
--  
  
Present time...  
  
"I see..." a smile of Xellos's own faded into being. "Any chance you  
could make people laugh without that particular experiment? Without  
poisoning the food or the air, I mean? Could be good for a few laughs  
on our part, as well."  
  
"I have all kinds of ideas!" the man shouted dramatically. "And they  
don't have be diabolically evil, either!"  
  
"Very well, then," Xellos smiled. "I guess I can work with you for a  
while. They don't call me `Xellos, the Trickster Priest' for nothing."  
  
"And they don't call me `The Joker' for nothing, either," the  
man snickered eerily.  
  
--  
And now, back to our regularly scheduled weirdness.  
--  
Xellos handled the spray can that he had received from the Joker  
carefully. "Read the instructions on it," the criminal had told him.  
"You'll know what to do afterwards."  
  
Scanning the instructions brought a smile to Xellos's face. The  
instructions read: "If there are two people in a pool of water, this  
spray will turn half their hair into the color of the other person's hair."  
Oh, he knew full well what was going to take place; and, as he was  
a monster, he loved it.  
  
Xellos scanned both horizons. On one horizon, the sun was beginning to  
go down over a moderate-sized village. On the other horizon, Lina Inverse  
and Co. were a mere quarter-mile from the town's boundary. "This'll  
be fun," the general/priest said to himself, making a quick teleportation  
over to one of the local inn's hot springs.  
  
"There's no one around. Good," Xellos muttered. He sprayed the  
material into the water, then stirred it until it wasn't even recognizable.  
Grinning, the monster phased out into his room inside the inn; he had  
already pre-paid for it minutes before.  
  
Now, all he had to do was wait.  
  
-------  
  
"AAAAAHH!"  
  
It was Amelia's screaming that had woken Lina up from a sound sleep  
the next morning. Fearing that a monster or heavily-muscled bandit  
had broken into the inn, her initial reaction was to race out the door.  
  
At least, it WAS her reaction. Until she realized that Amelia was in  
the same room as she was, staring with shock at the mirror. It was  
then that she noticed that there was something unusual about Amelia's  
hair, so she decided to backtrack and double-check what was the matter.  
  
"Amelia! Your hair!"  
  
The Seyruun princess turned around. "I know! It's---"  
  
She halted abruptly, pointing a quivering finger at Lina's hair. "Lina!  
Your hair! It's the same!"  
  
Lina placed her hands on her hips. "What? What's the same about it?"  
  
"Your hair!" Amelia exclaimed, frightened. "There are huge streaks  
of black in it! It's like mine, except that mine has streaks of red  
in it!"  
  
"Let me see---AAAGH! You're right!" Lina gasped, one hand brushing up  
against her hair as she looked in the mirror, disbelieving. Amelia was  
right: there were 3 huge streaks of black that had curved throughout  
Lina's hair, much like the 3 streaks of red that had mottled Amelia's  
hair.  
  
For several seconds they just stood rooted to the ground: Amelia, still  
startled; and Lina, filled with a bittersweet rage.  
  
---------------  
  
Downstairs, from where Xellos was calmly eating some of the inn's  
breakfast fare, he could hear a pair of screams that sounded vaguely like:  
"WHO DID THIS TO ME?!" He just shook his head. (-Sheesh. The spray  
will reverse itself normally in 48 hours,-) he thought to himself. (-Why  
are they so upset?-) He turned to the waiter. "Two more pancakes,  
please. I figure my companions may take a while."  
  
---------------  
  
Despite the man's outward appearance, he didn't seem too frightening.  
Sure, he had dark green hair and white skin, but what could any mere man  
do to her?  
  
Thus, the black-haired teen, who was approaching adulthood rapidly,  
paid the human no mind once he had asked and paid for his meal.  
  
This feeling of self-security lasted for no more than 5 minutes.  
  
"Waitress!" a voice barked from the serving area. "There's something  
wrong with this ham! It just doesn't taste right!"  
  
"Blasted customers," she murmured. "There's just no pleasing them  
sometimes." Picking up a tray, she sauntered back into the serving  
area where the white-faced man was waiting. "Oh, well. `The customer  
is always right' and all that."  
  
The stranger poked at a piece of the ham, which had a slight red  
tint to it. "Let me try it," the teen stated, picking up the piece and  
eating it herself. It had that same peculiar flavor that uncooked meat  
had, which meant one thing: the idiot cook hadn't roasted the ham long  
enough again. Placing the ham onto the trey and giving the man a plate  
of toast and eggs as a consolation prize, she turned on her heels and  
headed back for the kitchen.  
  
--  
  
It was then that the man's smile turned into a grin. "Never eat off  
the plates of strangers unless you know what you're getting into,  
kiddo," he said quietly. Quickly polishing off breakfast, he departed  
the inn for parts unknown by people other than him, clutching a  
small canister close to him.  
  
--  
  
"Hey, `Loopy'," she stated as she entered the kitchen, using the cook's  
nickname. "You didn't cook this guy's ham long enough!" She held up  
the trey for emphasis.  
  
"Loopy" tapped his chin quietly. "That's not true. I roasted it for  
the full length of time that was required. I triple-checked it every  
few minutes just to make sure!"  
  
The waitress took a closer look. "See? It's---" She paused for a  
second as her vision abruptly became a bit blurry, then faded back  
to normal. Passing it off as slight fatique, she continued. "Part of  
the ham's still red!"  
  
A pair of voices shouted from the eating area. "Candygram!"  
  
Loopy smirked. "Your new nickname?"  
  
"Never been called it before. A week ago, some idiots started  
packaging tarts with courier messages, and it's caught on since  
then." She turned around. "Might as well see what they----oof!"  
  
Not looking where she was going, her stomach had met a table normally  
used for cutting up meat. She moved backwards a few steps to recover  
her breath----  
  
---and almost broke a hole through the base of a cupboard when  
her feet flew out from under her, sending her airborne. The impromptu  
flight ended when she finally hit the floor, a bit shaken.  
  
This got Loopy's attention. Rushing to the girl's side, he steadied  
her against the wall. "Are you okay? You're usually a lot more careful  
than that!"  
  
"I wasn't like that before I taste-tested that ham," the waitress muttered  
angrily. "I'm convinced. That meat wasn't undercooked. That guy in  
there poisoned the ham somehow!" She sat where she was for a few  
more minutes, simmering for a few seconds in her own anger.  
  
----------------  
  
In the serving area, two oddly-dressed teenagers were whispering to  
each other.  
  
"Like, dude, maybe she's not going to come...."  
"See, I TOLD you that `Candygram' line wouldn't work!"  
"I heard some noises in there. Maybe we should check it out."  
"Nah. Never walk into a kitchen that has a cook with a knife. Let's  
see if we can find help elsewhere."  
"It's really a shame, Bill. I was kinda hoping that Luna Inverse could  
help us out with our history report...."  
"Aw, no worries, Ted. Let's see if we can find Abe Lincoln. We can  
always stop back for the Knight of Ceiphied later." *  
  
The two of them---the first one with brownish-blonde hair, the other  
with black---stepped out of the inn and turned left. There were a series  
of thuds, a bright crackle of electricity and the obscurity of smoke, and  
they were gone.  
  
----------------  
  
The gang continued on down the road a few hours later, searching  
for jobs to supplement their income. The few bandits that lived in  
the bordering forest were easy targets, and for a good reason; even  
though they kept a good distance away, Lina and the others could  
clearly hear their insults.  
  
"Hey, lady, the zoo in Zephilia is looking for a missing zebr---"  
"DAMU BRASS!"  
  
"Hey, Stone Boy, it's gonna be a rocky road ahead---"  
"FREEZE ARROW!"  
  
"Girlie, if you'd wash that red hair dye out, you'd look a lot like  
that Seyruunian princess I heard abo---"  
"BURST RONDO!"  
  
It wasn't long, though, before the "few" bandits became "many",  
and it very nearly pitched the three of them over the edge. By the  
time they got to their destination, the magic users had either  
hoarse voices, clenched fists, and/or a case of hyperventilation.  
  
A short distance away from them, Gourry had wisely decided not  
to get in Lina's way once she lost her temper. Thus, he was a good  
thirty paces behind them and fingering the Sword of Light nervously.  
  
He glanced out the corner of his eye at Xellos, who was walking calmly  
down the side of the road. The swordsman shook his head with a hint of  
amazement. "Wow," he murmured to himself. "I wonder where he learned  
how to throw his voice like that."  
  
Xellos looked towards Gourry, irritated. (I really wish I understood  
how he gets his rare moments of wisdom,) he thought inwardly. Dispelling  
the thought, he regained his grin; he had definitely enjoyed this little  
game of "Aggravation".   
  
--------------  
  
Night fell on the fixer-upper city of Xoana. The reconstruction of the city  
after Lina's well-intended Dragon Slave attack was advancing rather well,  
although it WAS still a work in progress. After the wacked-out marriage  
of Martina to the swordsman Zangulus, things had fallen back to normal---  
well, as normal as a city gets with a giant Zoamelgustar pendant hanging  
over it. But now, every human in the city was tired and starting to look  
for a place to sleep.  
  
Every human...and one irritable, child-sized monster.  
  
Make no mistake about it; Phibrizzo loathed humans, especially those  
acquainted with Lina Inverse. Problem was, as much as he was looking  
forward to frightening Martina just by showing up---after all, she  
and Zangulus still thought he was dead---he was almost completely  
drained of energy after trailing Xellos this far for 59 hours  
straight [not stopping to rest can do that to anyone].  
  
Upon coming across an inn that still had vacancies, he almost  
collapsed right then and there out of sheer relief---(Not now, not in  
front of all these tenth-rate loser scum!), he reminded himself forcibly.  
  
Phibrizzo walked past the clerk's desk, slamming a few coins on it as   
he did so. He trudged upstairs into an empty room, slammed the door,  
kicked off his boots, and curled up inside the blankets. That whole  
process took nearly two minutes, but he was fast asleep in seconds.  
  
----  
  
Tired as Phibrizzo was, his memory had finally failed him: he had  
forgotten to check the surrounding area for intruders. If he had  
remembered, he would've known that the one behind his permenant identity  
was sitting on a ledge right outside his window, planning to steal the  
bracelet that Phibby had put on the bedside desk.  
  
After waiting for nearly an hour, the Joker crept as silently as he  
could into the room. He moved over to the bed, smiling eerily as he  
recognized the sleeper. (We meet again, kiddo,) he chuckled mentally.  
He reached inside his jacket and pulled out a bowl of whipped cream,  
a spoon, and a feather. (I'm glad I made that trip back home for  
tonight's prank.)  
  
Carefully placing one of Phibrizzo's hands on top of the blanket,  
palm upward, he neatly placed a glob of whipped cream on it. Putting  
the spoon and bowl away, he took the feather and brushed the monster's  
nose with it a few times.  
  
Wrinkling his nose and muttering something that sounded like: "Metallium,  
interested in buying breath mints?", Phibrizzo swatted the feather away.  
Some of the cream got smeared on his face as a result, but he was too  
deep inside slumberland to notice.  
  
"Just keep dreaming," the Joker chuckled. "I'll be at this for a while."  
  
-----  
  
The sun was shining brightly through the window the next morning, which  
annoyed Phibrizzo something terrible. The birds were chirping, which  
brought it up to irritation. It was the hammering and sawing of work  
tools, however, that finally woke him up from an eleven-hour slumber.  
"I wish I'd started walking a little sooner," he snarled. "Maybe I  
could've slept even through that yammering." He stretched his arms  
and yawned. "Oh, well. I'm back at full strength, and feeling better  
than ever!"  
  
He went over to the mirror to straighten out his hair; being that he  
looked like a kid to most humans, he needed to keep up his appearance  
so that no one would suspect him otherwise. His eyes blinked away  
the last remnants of his sleep...although it was quite obvious that the  
face that greeted him in the mirror lent him some help with that.  
  
Phibrizzo blinked once, then twice, then three times; his initial  
surprise didn't allow for much else. After a few seconds, his  
mouth finally found the words to speak.  
  
---  
  
The scream could easily be heard even through the closed windows.  
  
"AARRRRGGH! ARE YOU TRYING TO EMBARASS ME?! THIS IS NOT  
FUNNY, MOTHER!!!"  
  
From where he was sitting on the roof a few houses away, a white-faced  
grinning stranger had to restrain the urge to burst into full-throated  
diabolical laughter. "I beg to differ, my friend!" he snickered quietly.  
"You just fell for one of the oldest tricks in the book, and now you've  
paid for it!"  
  
---  
  
Two small palms gripped the edge of the washbasin, trembling with  
overexcitement. "Come on. Calm yourself, Phibrizzo. Come on,  
think. Mother would not go so far as to appear while you're asleep and  
slap white cream all over your face, and Xellos is more respectful to me  
than that," he murmured to himself. "That only leaves just about every  
possible human within Xoana. Oh, well. Nothing to do but to start  
looking..."  
  
He stared at the image in the mirror, a nervous twitch entering into  
his face. "...although if I don't get rid of this gunk, no one else  
would let me live it down..."  
  
Phibrizzo grabbed a nearby towel, soaked it in a bucket of water, and wiped  
his face, hands, and washbasin clean of the whipped cream. Grabbing  
his boots and hurriedly yanking them on, he ran over to the window,  
looking left and right. Neither seeing nor sensing the culprit, he turned  
and started for the door, his eyes hurriedly searching the bedside desk----  
  
"Someone please help me," he snapped under his breath, realizing that  
his keepsake bracelet had been stolen. His insides blazed with  
a dark flame; no one---NO ONE---played jokes on him and got away  
with it, especially not a human!  
  
"I can't believe I let my exhaustion get the best of me," Phibrizzo  
snarled. "That's the last time I leave that thing unattended! Forget  
Lina Inverse and Zelas's leading man. I've got a new target to locate!"  
Slamming a fist into an open palm, he decided to take his leave.  
  
----  
  
The kid-like beast tore through the eatery and past the surprised manager.  
"Hold my breakfast until I get back!" he shouted, nearly busting down  
the door in his haste to leave and startling several customers who were  
on their way in.  
  
Phibrizzo, beyond all hope of keeping sane through all this,  
raced in an expanding-box pattern around the inn and scanned as much  
of the area as he could. His hands were glowing with black fire, and  
his face was contorted with rage that rivaled that of his confrontation with  
the Lord of Nightmares.  
  
To put it mildly, he was ticked.  
  
--------  
  
"Let me get this straight," Lina remarked to Zelgadis that afternoon as  
they cut straight through the forest. "You're saying that this  
particular bandit is almost impossible to defeat 1-on-1?"  
  
"That's right," Zelgadis muttered. "According to the rumors I've heard,  
he's impervious to most mid-to-high level spells, and he wards off material  
weapons just as well. That's why the High Council of Johan's City put  
up that 1000-gold bounty on him."  
  
"Well, I'll believe it when I see it," Lina growled back, consciously  
preparing a fireball----  
  
"I must be worrying the good people of the city if I'm causing them  
THAT much trouble," a rough voice barked. From out of the trees, a  
heavy-set bandit--no question about it--stepped out, carrying a  
huge broadsword. "You want to test my power? Here I am!"  
  
Lina went first, launching the dual fireballs that she had prepared  
beforehand. The bandit calmly reached up and swatted both of the  
fireballs away, forcing everyone to duck as the attacks exploded  
elsewhere.  
  
Zelgadis went next, using Astral Vine to power up his sword and  
attempting to take down the enemy with one stroke. However, he  
was more than a bit perturbed when the bandit unsheathed his  
broadsword and knocked away Zelgadis's weapon with one, swift  
swing.  
  
Going back to an old idea from the fight against Copy Rezo, Amelia  
charged Gourry's sword with the Rah Tilt spell. Once the powerup  
was complete, the swordsman propelled himself at the bandit at  
top speed. To everyone's surprise, the huge thief cancelled out  
the attack by channeling his energy through his broadsword, knocking  
both Gourry and the Sword of Light away as if they were nothing. In  
the meantime, the extra energy from Gorun Nova discharged  
harmlessly in the opposite direction.  
  
"They certainly weren't kidding about how powerful he is," Gourry  
commented, re-arming himself with the Sword of Light.  
  
"Understood, Gourry," Lina said sardonically. "I might need to  
resort to the Ragna Blade for this guy." He turned to the bandit.  
"Tell me, mister. How did a thief like you manage to get so  
powerful? You have some kind of bauble that augments your  
strength, or something?"  
  
The bandit just smiled, closing both his eyes. "That is a secret."  
  
Zelgadis frowned. "Why does THAT sound so familiar...Xellos?"  
  
That got the bandit's attention, forcing a visible transformation in  
which his looks and appearance changed from the huge man  
to the slim, purple-haired trickster priest. "Whoops. You caught  
me!" he exclaimed, putting one hand behind his head and chuckling.  
  
Everyone stepped back from Lina as her blood began rushing  
through her veins. "...You dragged us out here just to expend our  
energy and toy with us?" she snarled dangerously.  
  
"That's pretty much the size of it, yes," Xellos responded calmly,  
not at all alarmed by Lina's shift in moods. "I was also the one  
that dyed your hair and made you all jumpy on the way to town  
yesterday----oops! Did I say that out loud?" he asked as he  
edged back towards the main road.  
  
A fierce grin appeared on Lina's face, one that normally would  
provoke a case of marathon-running in anyone else. "I don't  
care if your mistress gets mad at me. You are SO dead!"  
  
-------  
  
Not long after the Joker had observed Phibrizzo's temper tantrum, he  
had left for a short walk. It wasn't long before his stroll had taken him  
to a house with a large Zoamelgustar figurine hitched to it. This was  
the house where the royalty was staying while their castle was being  
reconstructed.  
  
The Joker had heard the rumors around town; the current king had  
gone face-to-face with the strongest monster alive and had lived to  
tell of it. The queen was an obsessive young adult who idolized  
an imaginary beast. "Interesting," he had stated to himself. "Maybe I  
can have some fun with them for a couple hours..."  
  
---  
  
The Joker had never imagined himself racing down a street with  
the Howling Sword some time later. Zangulus and Martina followed  
in close pursuit, screaming curses at him. "Batfreak does a better  
job of preventing break-ins than these idiots," the Joker chortled  
to himself. "Speaking of which, I could probably take over Gotham  
with this miserable little toy..."  
  
--------  
  
After hastily gulping down some breakfast at the inn, a frustrated  
and sour Phibrizzo resumed his search for the culprit that had nearly  
embarassed him royally. "Why do the fates have to be against  
me at every turn?" he snarled to himself, nearly running into  
several burly men on accident. "First there was that incident  
in Sairaag with the Giga Slave, then that idiotic farmgirl, and now  
this! What's this world coming...." he paused as several familiar  
figures raced down a sidestreet, and he brought himself to  
a halt. "...to?"  
  
The first to appear was a green-haired man in a purple suit, racing  
by with a long sword in his hands. The second was an angry  
swordsman--Zangulus, Phibby remembered. The third was  
instantly recognizable: "Martina," Phibrizzo murmured. "That  
obsessive woman was too easy to misguide...but who was that first  
guy who ran on---"  
  
He paused abruptly as he noted a hint of metal on the white-faced  
man's arm. He gritted his teeth, recognizing his bracelet. "So,  
he's the one who stole my keepsake?" he mused aloud. "Guess  
I'll just have to go after...**GASP**...WAIT A SECOND! No way...!"  
  
Phibrizzo's eyes widened as memories seeped into his brain,  
connecting the identity of this figure with the court jester responsible  
for his "identity crisis". For a moment, he became fearful---and then,  
realizing everything that the man had done, his mind came to  
a conclusion as the others made some decent distance.  
  
"It's him," Phibrizzo muttered darkly, his legs spurring him into motion as  
he began pursuit. He was so angry, he momentarily forgot his ability  
to teleport; but on the plus side, he was running faster than he had ever  
ran before. (First my body, then my face, then my jewelry! That  
human trash is MINE, and I won't pity the fools who get in my  
way!)  
  
---------  
  
The dark-haired sorceress strolled calmly down the road that  
connected Johan's City and Xoana, having finally been relieved  
of that klutz attack she had been forced to undergo. The target  
of her power was only a short distance away, and he seemed to be  
running straight towards her, unknowingly.  
  
(Let him run), she thought darkly. (Once I have decided on a target,  
I do not let him out of my sights. When the Knight of Ceiphied picks up  
a trail, she stays with it.)  
  
For a brief moment, Luna considered the possibility of running into  
Lina sometime in the future; her sister WAS somewhere nearby,  
judging by her angry battle cries. "The look on her face is going  
to be absolutely priceless!" she laughed to herself before refocusing  
on the current situation.  
  
----  
  
End of Part 4.B  
  
* --- I'm sorry, but a reference to "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure"  
was just too good to pass up. ^_^  
  
Sorry it took so long to update; my attention was occupied by the  
combined forces of college homework and Pokemon Sapphire, as  
well as the inhibition of writer's block. I have to admit, I had a lot  
of fun with this chapter; but in Part 4.C, I'm going to polish  
everything off and move on to more weirdness.   
  
Ah, yes. One more thing, one of my other stories: "Earth to  
Phibrizzo, Come In", is just a side-story to "This is Weird", and  
it won't happen until I get farther into my current plotting.  
Just in case you were wondering. See you later!  
  
----------------- 


	6. C: No Joking Matter

This is Weird!  
  
--No Joking Matter  
  
Part 4.C  
  
A "Slayers" production by G. A. Curtis Wildcat  
  
The Joker vs. all comers. Scene C will finish Act Four.  
  
Planning to flame me? Don't bother; the creek's about to flood.  
  
------------------------------  
  
Previously, on "This is Weird!".....  
  
-----  
  
"I wasn't like that before I taste-tested that ham," the waitress muttered  
  
angrily. "I'm convinced. That meat wasn't undercooked. That guy in  
  
there poisoned the ham somehow!"  
  
-----  
  
"Someone please help me," he snapped under his breath, realizing that  
  
his keepsake bracelet had been stolen. His insides blazed with  
  
a dark flame; no one---NO ONE---played jokes on him and got away  
  
with it, especially not a human!  
  
"I can't believe I let my exhaustion get the best of me," Phibrizzo  
  
snarled. "That's the last time I leave that thing unattended! Forget  
  
Lina Inverse and Zelas's leading man. I've got a new target to locate!"  
  
-----  
  
Everyone stepped back from Lina as her blood began rushing  
  
through her veins. "...You dragged us out here just to expend our  
  
energy and toy with us?" she snarled dangerously.  
  
"That's pretty much the size of it, yes," Xellos responded calmly,  
  
not at all alarmed by Lina's shift in moods. "I was also the one  
  
that dyed your hair and made you all jumpy on the way to town  
  
yesterday----oops! Did I say that out loud?" he asked as he  
  
edged back towards the main road.  
  
A fierce grin appeared on Lina's face, one that normally would  
  
provoke a case of marathon-running in anyone else. "I don't  
  
care if your mistress gets mad at me. You are SO dead!"  
  
-----  
  
The Joker had never imagined himself racing down a street with  
  
the Howling Sword some time later. Zangulus and Martina followed  
  
in close pursuit.  
  
-----  
  
"It's him," Phibrizzo muttered darkly, his legs spurring him into motion  
  
as he began pursuit. (First my body, then my face, then my  
  
jewelry! That human trash is MINE, and I won't pity the fools who  
  
get in my way!)  
  
-----  
  
(Let him run), she thought darkly. (Once I have decided on a target,  
  
I do not let him out of my sights. When the Knight of Ceiphied picks up  
  
a trail, she stays with it.)  
  
-----  
  
And so, the weirdness continues.  
  
-----  
  
"YOU COME BACK HERE, YOU NO-GOOD CROOK!" a whiny voice screamed from  
  
down the road. "YOUR NEGLIGENCE WILL RESULT IN THE INFERNAL WRATH  
  
OF ZOEMALGUSTAR!"  
  
"Um, Martina, that's Eternal, not Infernal."  
  
"Oh. Sorry, Zangulus!"  
  
Although he was a good 50 yards ahead of them, the Joker had no problem  
  
hearing their conversations. It wasn't the talk that mattered to him,  
  
though; it was the action. "With this sword, I can finally keep Batman  
  
out of my hair," he muttered to himself, grinning wildly. "Ah, the  
  
possibilities...the bank vaults will never be safe again."  
  
An explosion from up ahead caught his attention. "From what he's told  
  
me, that's probably my new friend having his fun. Time for a progress  
  
report."  
  
Xellos materialized in front of the Joker, looking a little worse  
  
for wear. He matched his pace with that of the criminal. "It seems  
  
they've caught on to us...at least, they've caught on to me..."  
  
"Join the club," the Joker muttered. "Don't let them beat you up.  
  
Lead them on a wild goose chase for as long as you can, then vanish  
  
somewhere and come back here."  
  
Xellos nodded as he caught on to the Joker's plan. "You know, my  
  
mistress would be proud of a devious mind like yours..."  
  
"Charmed," the Joker said sarcastically, smiling in his ominous way.  
  
"Go for it. I'll hold off my own pursuers for a whi---"  
  
"XELLOSSSSS!!!" a distant voice screamed. "GET YOUR SMILING SELF BACK  
  
HERE!"  
  
Not wasting time, Xellos teleported again. As the Joker continued  
  
running, he could hear him shout: "Hey, Lina! You're headed this way,  
  
aren't you? I'll go, too!"  
  
A trio of Fireballs from Lina, Amelia, and Zelgadis greeted him in  
  
response. The Joker just shook his head. "Great acting talent is so  
  
hard to find these days---"  
  
He was abruptly cut off as a blue blur blazed past him and halted,  
  
forcing the Joker to put on the brakes. "I have just about had enough  
  
of your antics," a childish voice snapped. "This ends now!"  
  
The Joker looked perturbed at first, then calmed down as he recognized the  
  
boy he was taunting earlier. "Long time no speak," the Clown Prince  
  
sneered. "Looks like the egg has finally cracked."  
  
"Spare me the intellectual comedy," Phibrizzo snarled, leering at him.  
  
"You will give back that bracelet and consider yourself defeated, Mister..."  
  
His voice trailed off as he realized something. "Uh...what's your name?"  
  
"JOKER! THERE YOU ARE!" a bratty voice exclaimed. "Give back that---  
  
YOU!!!"  
  
The tension in the area built to a deafening crescendo as Phibrizzo,  
  
Martina, Zangulus, and the Joker all stared at each other over the same  
  
point on the road. And, being the wisecracking criminal that he was, the  
  
Joker started to introduce them. "Loudmouth kid, meet Martina and Zangulus.  
  
Martina, meet the loudmouth kid and Zangulus. Zangulus, meet Martina and  
  
the loudmouth kid. To all of you: I am the Joker, the Clown Prince of  
  
Crime!"  
  
"THE NAME IS PHIBRIZZO!" the others shouted.  
  
"And how did you manage to survive?" Zangulus muttered, his statement  
  
directed at Phibrizzo. "If you managed to survive Lina Inverse giving  
  
you what for, I don't know WHAT is capable of destroying you."  
  
The strongest of Shabranigdu's monsters glared at him. "I'll deal with you  
  
two later," Phibrizzo growled testily. "Right now, I have my bracelet and  
  
my dignity to reclaim!"  
  
A cold voice drifted to them over the breeze. "Not that you ever had any  
  
to begin with, Phibrizzo Ruby-Eye." The waitress from back in Zephilia  
  
stepped out of the woods, her attention divided between Phibrizzo and the  
  
Joker. To the latter, she said: "Don't think giving me that klutz attack  
  
would've given you enough time to get away."  
  
Phibrizzo folded his arms and spoke with an extremely annoyed edge in his  
  
voice, recognizing the figure's power. "So glad I get to meet you at  
  
last, Ceiphied Knight. And what was that last crack about my dignity?"  
  
Zangulus leaned over towards Martina and whispered to her: "What's a  
  
waitress doing in the middle of the road?"  
  
Martina shrugged. "I don't know. Looking to serve white-faced bandits?"  
  
The Joker, as was expected, had a solid grin on his face. "Ah, Luna  
  
Inverse. Glad you were able to follow me all the way here. What brings  
  
you out this far?"  
  
Before Luna got a chance to explain, three voices blurted out in unison:  
  
"LUNA Inverse?! As in the sister of LINA Inverse?! You've got to be  
  
kidding me!"  
  
"Yes, yes," Luna murmured, bored. "I get that a lot. Can we get on  
  
with this? I have a little retribution to dish out."  
  
Phibrizzo glared sideways at Luna, still partially disturbed that his  
  
greatest enemy was related to the Knight of Ceiphied. "I'll deal with  
  
you later, as well. Until then, how about we join up and give this  
  
fool the boot?"  
  
"I've already got a pair," the Joker said, still smiling. "They're  
  
sitting at home in my closet, and they haven't been used since last  
  
winter." He stared at the monster, whose eyes seemed to be glowing.  
  
"Let's have a little fun. You first, Firebrat."  
  
Phibrizzo's eyes narrowed at that. Oh, he was so going to enjoy wiping  
  
that grin off his face. Raising a hand, he proceeded to lay down a series  
  
of attacks---black finger-width lasers---that set some of the surrounding  
  
trees on fire...  
  
...but not the Joker, who side-stepped the attacks with an agility that  
  
only years of dodging Batman could bring.  
  
Luna was next. After she used "Aqua Create!" to douse the trees that  
  
Phibby had set aflame, a large cannonball descended from the sky and  
  
impacted with a resounding CRASH. She followed that up with an  
  
Icicle Lance that would've turned the Joker into a smiling popsicle.  
  
The key word, of course, is "would've"; a lightning bolt appeared out of  
  
nowhere and struck her hand. In most cases Luna would've been prepared  
  
for it, but the unexpectedness of the attack caused her to send the Lance  
  
flying skyward.  
  
Everyone stared upwards. The Joker was sitting on top of the  
  
cannonball, still smirking. "Ah-ah-ah. Didn't your mother ever teach  
  
you not to play with fire and ice? What a shocker!"  
  
Phibrizzo turned to Zangulus. "What are you waiting for? You've  
  
got a mean sword; I should know. Let him have it!"  
  
"I did," Zangulus said, straight-faced. "He's holding it in his hands  
  
right now."  
  
Phibrizzo just slapped his face in disgust. (Of course...that must've  
  
been that sword I saw the Joker running off with! Should've expected  
  
a human to give me a straight answer like that.)  
  
Speaking of the Joker, he was staring at the sword with an amused smirk.  
  
"Let's see. How did he use it? Heft the sword upwards, focus energy,  
  
and WHAMMO!" KA-BOOM! "Yes, it definitely works. Heh, heh." He  
  
stared down at the others before him; Luna and Phibrizzo were able  
  
to stave off the brunt of the blast, while Zangulus and Martina were  
  
forced to scatter. "Look out Batman, 'cause here comes the Howling  
  
Joker."  
  
"'Howling Joker'...what kind of nut is he?" Phibrizzo muttered,  
  
throwing up another shield as the Howling Sword blasted them again.  
  
"And who's Batman?"  
  
"I'm more concerned as to where that lightning bolt came from," Luna  
  
responded. "I'm beginning to suspect that he's not from this world."   
  
"You think?" Phibrizzo shot back, warding off another blast. He turned  
  
back towards the Joker. "Hey, you idiot! Are you from another universe  
  
or---aaagh!"  
  
That pause in his question was caused by another lightning bolt, this one  
  
striking the ground next to Phibrizzo and blowing dirt in his face.  
  
Not surprisingly, the Joker was laughing at that. "Don't you just hate  
  
it when that happens? From what I've heard, you're the toughest kid on  
  
the block. Now you're just a block-head."  
  
The Joker's words were the sparks that lit the fire; a second later, the  
  
air around Phibrizzo was set aflame. "That's it. I've had it!" he  
  
shouted, reaching into a subspace pocket behind him and pulling out a  
  
small yellow orb. Not wasting any time, he drew back a fist and swiftly  
  
shattered it.  
  
"You know, this is boring me. I expected to have a grand time with  
  
everyone," the Joker explained, "and instead I have an encounter with  
  
someone who cheats at marbles."  
  
The spectators to this fight, Zangulus and Martina, couldn't do anything  
  
besides blink; they'd seen first-hand what those orbs could do. Then  
  
again, the same could be said for Phibrizzo; he KNEW what those orbs  
  
could do. But the Joker was supposedly invulnerable to that manuever,  
  
and that meant only one thing:  
  
"You were right, Inverse! That creep IS from another universe. Those  
  
orbs only effect those who exist on this world!"  
  
"As much as I'm delighted by that explanation, Phibrizzo, we have work  
  
to do," Luna snapped. "And the first thing to do is to deprive him of  
  
that sword!"  
  
The monster nodded. "Easy enough to fix." In the blink of an eye he  
  
teleported directly behind the Joker, hoping to take the sword by  
  
stealth---just as the Clown Prince of Crime swung it back to unleash  
  
another blast.  
  
Luna cringed. She had suspected that Phibrizzo's purplish-blue uniform  
  
was actually part of his body; in actuality, she now knew that it was  
  
just cheaply made. Blinking, she set that aside for the moment and  
  
threw up another shield, deflecting the latest blast from the Howling  
  
Sword.  
  
A certain mazoku, meanwhile, was descending into a level of rage  
  
unparelled in history. "It's bad enough that he steals things from me,"  
  
he growled, "but now he has to put a gash in my favorite shirt! To  
  
make it worse, it's in the shape of a J!"  
  
"Actually, that was no fault of his," Luna replied, reaching behind her  
  
and grabbing something---a large bottle. "You did that on your own.  
  
I could've warned you about that, but you didn't give me the chance."  
  
Tensing her muscles, she hurled the bottle straight at the Joker.  
  
The Joker saw it coming, of course; and in like manner, he raised one  
  
hand toward the sky. Don't ask how he managed it, but the familiar  
  
lightning bolt managed to strike the bottle and shatter it into multiple  
  
miniscule pieces...  
  
...and coating the Joker's hands in a rather slippery substance: grease.  
  
"Figures," Martina said, chuckling. "She's a waitress. Of course she'd  
  
have grease. Didn't think she could use it as a weapon, though."  
  
The Joker didn't find it so funny; no thanks to the grease, the Howling  
  
Sword slid right out of his hands and into the waiting grip of Zangulus.  
  
And just like that, the tables had turned on Batman's longtime adversary.  
  
"Um, supposing you win, of course. Maybe we could talk about this---"  
  
he uttered nervously, quickly tapping something on the wrist opposite the  
  
bracelet.  
  
He was interrupted as Phibrizzo got into his face, glaring at him with  
  
enough heat to melt metal. "Give...back...my...bracelet. On second  
  
thought..." The monster reached over and yanked on it, pulling it  
  
free. As he slipped it back over his own wrist, he finished: "I'll just  
  
TAKE it back."  
  
Phibrizzo drifted backwards to join Luna and Zangulus, both of whom  
  
were more than ready to unleash their own style of vengeance; even  
  
Martina decided to get involved, joining her husband in wielding the  
  
Howling Sword. As the mazoku cupped his hands in front of him, an  
  
evil smile materialized on his face. "You know what? I've been  
  
waiting years to do this!"  
  
"I suppose you have," the Joker said, flipping a few gold coins in Martina's  
  
general direction and jumping off the cannonball. Oddly enough, he  
  
didn't seem the slightest bit worried; if anything, he looked bored.  
  
A smile graced Luna's face, which was made even creepier by the hair  
  
that obscured her eyes. "Good! Now that that's out of the way..."  
  
"DARK HARSH!" - A massive black beam of fire exploded from Phibrizzo's hands.  
  
"HOWLING SWORD, PART TWO!" - Zangulus and Martina's attack of choice tore  
  
up the ground as it approached.  
  
"ANCIENT RAMPAGE!" - A green dragon-shaped energy flare burst from Luna's  
  
body.  
  
All three of the attacks, however, were too late to stop the brilliant  
  
flash of light that enveloped the Joker. By the time the attacks collided  
  
---and causing a temporary maelstrom that could be seen for miles---the  
  
criminal was nowhere to be seen.  
  
---------------  
  
What they didn't know, of course, was that the watch was a sophisticated  
  
piece of technology. In effect, it served as a dimensional portal.  
  
When everyone's attacks met, though, the explosive burst of power caused  
  
the watch to self-destruct.   
  
The Joker examined the destroyed watch disgustedly, sitting down at a  
  
"burrowed" desk back in Gotham City. "It'll be awhile before I can go back.  
  
That watch was one of a kind, and it cost a bundle just to make it...let  
  
alone actually using it!"  
  
"Then let me solve that problem for you," a familiar voice stated as the  
  
Joker suddenly found himself lifted out of his seat.  
  
Rule #1 for criminals: never be in the same room as Batman.  
  
----------------  
  
Phibrizzo and Luna searched around that part of the road, looking for  
  
their target. Martina and Zangulus had already high-tailed it out of  
  
there, not wanting to be in the mazoku's presence for any longer than  
  
necessary.  
  
"Well, where is he?!" Phibrizzo shouted as Luna put out the  
  
flames. "I'm sure I saw him vanish right before those attacks hit!"  
  
"He's gone home," an annoying voice spoke. Sure enough, Xellos appeared  
  
on top of the monstrous cannonball that was yet to be removed. "That  
  
device on his wrist was his ticket to his homeworld. There's no way you  
  
can reach the Joker now."  
  
While Phibrizzo fumed over this, Luna turned and waved at Xellos. "Hello,  
  
Xellos. I was wondering when you were going to show up."  
  
"It had to have been sooner or later, since the Joker and I had basically  
  
launched a minor prank war against your sister and her companions,"  
  
Xellos answered, smirking. "But it took me a while to get back; they're  
  
still searching for me a few miles away."  
  
"You, too? I never would've guessed," Luna said sarcastically. "By the  
  
way, how's Zelas doing? Haven't gotten to talk to her the last few  
  
months."  
  
"About what you expect," the mazoku priest responded. "She doesn't have  
  
any set goals for now, so she just has her minions cause some property  
  
damage at random spots from time to time."  
  
"Surprise, surprise. Could you have her drop by sometime? Our last  
  
brass racquets match got interrupted by rain."  
  
Xellos chuckled a little. "Well, I'll see what I can---"  
  
"YOU WERE IN LEAGUE WITH THE JOKER?! Because of him, my favorite shirt  
  
is ripped. You're about as much to blame as he is! COME HERE, YOU!"  
  
Xellos never got to say anything else, because a flaming Phibrizzo was  
  
soon chasing him over the horizon. And, coincidentally, in the direction  
  
of Lina and the others.  
  
Luna just shook her head, amused. "That's one way to get the little...  
  
'Firebrat' off my case. I gotta remember that name." She stretched her  
  
arms. "Well, that's done. Might as well get back to---"  
  
"Uh, help!" someone in the woods shouted. "Like, it's a bandit!"  
  
The waitress sighed and shook her head. "An Inverse's work is never  
  
done," she muttered, walking into the trees towards the source of the  
  
disturbance.  
  
A minute later only a cloud of smoke, the smell of ozone, and the  
  
remark: "Dude, it's the Knight of Ceiphied!" left any indication as to  
  
Luna Inverse's whereabouts.  
  
---------------------  
  
--- In actuality I got the idea for the lightning from the "Batman"  
  
game, released for the NES. The Joker was extremely hard for me to  
  
beat, and I'm blaming the lightning.  
  
--- I didn't want to go into detail about this, but this burst of  
  
power is explained a few times in the "Try" season.  
  
If you remember what happened in Part 4.B, you know what happened to  
  
Luna. I wonder what she would think of 20th century Earth...  
  
That's that. I lost the file that had some of the story ideas, so I'll  
  
probably just keep this going long enough to introduce a few original  
  
characters. If I ever find the file, though, I'll be back.  
  
--Curtis Wildcat 


	7. Slayers Trigun

This is Weird! --Slayers Trigun  
  
Part Five out of K  
  
A "Slayers" production by Curtis R. Wildcat  
  
Takes place shortly after the short fic "Earth to Phibrizzo, Come   
  
In". This chapter expands on the two characters created at the end   
  
of that story. And before you inquire about the chapter title, you'd   
  
better read the chapter first.  
  
All flames disintegrate on contact with my e-mail account.  
  
----------------  
  
Zelgadis groaned as he stared at yet another Lina-vs.-Gourry feeding   
  
frenzy. As usual, the two of them had ordered enough food to nearly   
  
collapse the table and were now fighting over some spiral-cut ham.   
  
Playing it safe, Amelia had taken her share of the meal and was   
  
eating somewhere else in the room.  
  
He turned his thoughts to what had happened two days ago: shortly   
  
after they had fought against a certain fruitcake monster, Xellos   
  
reappeared and ran past them. A few seconds later, Phibrizzo was   
  
seen pursuing him towards the horizon while screaming at the top of   
  
whatever passed for his lungs.  
  
Not only was the psychopathic mazoku yelling something about a joker   
  
and a knight, but he had ignored the gang completely. Something had   
  
to give.  
  
Shortly after the incident, the gang had recovered and continued   
  
their journey. This morning, they had arrived in Figaro City fully   
  
recovered from the pranks that Xellos had been pulling. Plans had   
  
been to leave the next day once their supplies were replenished.  
  
In the distance, someone had started singing. Sipping some coffee,   
  
Zelgadis turned his head towards the tavern entrance. Amelia   
  
followed suit a few seconds later. Lina and Gourry did the same,   
  
their mouths full of ham. Everyone else in the tavern perked up as   
  
they heard the song. There was a pause; and then, sounding as if the   
  
source of the song had come closer, the singing resumed.  
  
"Aoi sora no shita de...kaze wa mirai ni fuku...taiyou no hizashi   
  
wo...dakishimeru you ni. Tada nagasareru dake...ashiato dake wo   
  
nokoshite..."  
  
There was a brief popping noise like that of a loud explosion, and a   
  
half-inch hole was burned into the wall above everyone's head. More   
  
holes formed in rapid succession, spelling out a word on the wall.   
  
Well, two words actually.  
  
Amelia stood up and moved closer, trying to read the words. "'Look   
  
out'?" she asked, curious. "Look out for what?"  
  
"Look out for THIS, senorita," a snide-sounding accented voice hissed   
  
from outside the tavern. A series of mini-explosions later, the   
  
table that Amelia had been sitting at was reduced to splinters and   
  
wood chips.  
  
Some of the tavern's occupants fled, anticipating a fight and not   
  
want to be caught in the middle of it. Lina and the others stayed.   
  
You probably could accuse them of being insane, but they had good   
  
reasons for not leaving. Amelia wanted to know who could accomplish   
  
that destructive feat without shouting the name of the attack first.   
  
Zelgadis wasn't quite finished with his coffee. Gourry had a puzzled   
  
look on his face, and Lina didn't like leaving a meal half-finished.  
  
More of the booming noises ensued, and this time Lina and the others   
  
had the good sense to duck their heads. The attacks weren't aimed at   
  
them this time, but at the outside wall; and after what seemed like a   
  
thousand of the little explosions (but was actually more like a   
  
hundred), the front of the tavern collapsed. Once the smoke cleared   
  
everyone got a good look at the cause of the racket.  
  
"Who is it?" Lina asked Zelgadis. "A bounty hunter with   
  
strength-enhancing talismans?"  
  
"Worse," the part-golem muttered, shaking his head disgustedly. "A   
  
Mazoku with a bad hair day."  
  
Lina sighed. "Let's have a look. What's life thrown at us this   
  
time?"  
  
What life had thrown at them was what looked like a six-foot   
  
cat---six-foot-seven if you counted his unruly hair. He was a   
  
wearing a bright orange shirt-pants combo (with a strange blue   
  
star-shaped insignia over where the shirt pocket should be), and had   
  
brown fur and a tail that was twitching rapidly; the two canines   
  
sticking out of his mouth punctuated his grin. His clawed right hand   
  
was raised, with his thumb and index finger at a 90-degree angle.  
  
Standing to his left was what looked like a human; the thing was,   
  
Zelgadis had been part-mazoku long enough to know who was a monster   
  
and who wasn't. This one was a bit shorter, had black pants, a white   
  
shirt, a black loose-fitting robe with white trim, short brown hair,   
  
steel-toed boots, and looked a bit...overweight.  
  
"They actually look better than some of the other mazoku I've seen,"   
  
Lina muttered. She cracked her knuckles. "Can't say that'll save   
  
them, but I'll give 'em bonus points anyway."  
  
Amelia stepped forward, her mind working overtime. "Who are you to   
  
destroy this establishment? What do you want with us, you fiend?"  
  
The cat mazoku smiled even wider, if that was possible. Lowering his   
  
hand, he declared: "My name is Mays Willie Jordan Michael Barry Dave   
  
McCartney Paul Schmidt Mike Mario Luigi Aran Samus Strife Cloud   
  
Davidson Harley Zoid Freaka Arbuckle Jon Yankovic Al Geronimo Home   
  
Run Derby Sosa Sammy Forrester Clayton Arsene Lupin the 3rd."   
  
Slightly calmer, he added: "Don't hesitate to call."  
  
Gourry blinked. "Um...that's quite a long name. Do you go by some   
  
other name, or can I just call you Freaka?"  
  
The other mazoku spoke up, his voice that of a teenage boy. "His   
  
name's Kharlosa Khosmosa, and I'm Kurthish. Sorry about the earlier   
  
confusion, but we're mazoku and we've been asked to destroy you. No   
  
hard feelings."  
  
"Like blazes, you will," Lina remarked, preparing herself; around   
  
her, the others were getting ready to fight as well. "We ain't going   
  
down without a fight. We aren't going down, period!"  
  
The first mazoku, Kharlosa, aimed his finger at them. "Take this   
  
then."  
  
There was a small white flash from his finger, the source of the   
  
explosions from earlier; and then SOMETHING blasted by Lina, singeing   
  
her hair as it went by. The trajectory of a few more shots met with   
  
Gourry's Sword of Light, but by then a virtual hail of the things   
  
forced everyone to scatter and take cover behind the wreckage of the   
  
wall.  
  
Amelia popped up long enough to shoot off a Freeze Arrow, then ducked   
  
down as a shot zipped past. "What kind of attack is that?"  
  
Lina raised her hands above the wreckage long enough to fire an   
  
Elmekia Lance, but quickly lowered them again as a blast nearly shot   
  
off one of the talismans. "Don't ask me! I'm not an expert in that   
  
field! If we survive this, maybe we should ask Xellos!"  
  
"No, thank you," Zelgadis spat. "Under no conditions are we to ask   
  
him anything!"  
  
"It's a Mazoku Blaster," Kurthish calmly commented from Kharlosa's   
  
side. "He can fire off ten per second, and he's got a virtually   
  
unlimited supply."  
  
Kharlosa did a quick double-take, still attacking. "You just had to   
  
tell them." He returned his attention to his adversaries. "I've had   
  
enough fooling around. I think I'll deprive them of that cover!"  
  
He turned his gaze to the wreckage of the front wall...which   
  
vibrated, cracked, and exploded. To anyone else, it would seem like   
  
he had destroyed the wall just by glaring at it. Instead, he had   
  
opened his mouth for a fraction of a second and assaulted it with a   
  
sound wave too high for humans to hear. The end result: a destroyed   
  
wall, and the distant baying of a dozen hounds.  
  
The explosion pushed Lina and the others onto their backs, stunning   
  
them momentarily. By the time they recovered, Kharlosa had his hand   
  
raised towards Lina. "I hope you've enjoyed that last meal,   
  
senorita, because---huh?"  
  
What had gotten his attention was Kurthish, who brushed past him and   
  
seated himself at one of the tables that hadn't gotten wasted. He   
  
raised his hand and called a waitress, who had stayed against her   
  
better judgement, over to him. "Um...what is it?" the waitress   
  
stuttered, not wanting to be vaporized. "Please don't hurt me."  
  
"Two ham sandwiches, a glass of orange juice, and a box of one of the   
  
local desserts, please," Kurthish stated politely, dropping some   
  
silver pieces into her hand. "And an apple."  
  
Everyone else, including Kharlosa, facefaulted. The aforementioned   
  
mazoku, though, was the first to recover. "What in the world's going   
  
on?! We've got a job to do, you loco bozo! Get back here---eeep!"  
  
Kurthish had raised his head and glared at Kharlosa; for a brief   
  
instant, lightning was literally crackling in the monster's eyes.   
  
"It's lunchtime, and I'm a mazoku. You got a problem with that?   
  
Destroying them can wait."  
  
Sweatdrops all around. In the meantime Kurthish waved the waitress   
  
away, walked over to Lina, and pulled her up. "Care to sit down and   
  
declare a truce? We can resume vaporizing each other later."  
  
Uneasily, the others got up and joined them. Kharlosa followed them   
  
in, his expression that of utter disgust. "The comandante isn't   
  
going to like this, Kurthish."  
  
"Then the boss can stuff a brass racquet in his mouth," Kurthish   
  
suddenly snapped. "I'm hungry, and that's final."  
  
"I don't mean any offense, but don't mazoku eat the emotions of angry   
  
people?" Gourry asked as he sat down at the table. "Something like   
  
that..."  
  
"Normally it's to that effect," Kurthish said, nodding. "But mazoku   
  
or not, I'll take a sandwich any day of the week. Even us evil ones   
  
have our quirks, and my appetite's one of them." He turned his head   
  
to Lina. "So, I hear that our boss Phibrizzo nearly got his   
  
posterior kicked by a shrine maiden who invented the Flare Carrot.   
  
Tell me more."  
  
Before Lina could say anything, Zelgadis beat him to it. "What?!   
  
Your boss is Phibrizzo?! That would mean---"  
  
"Don't get the wrong impression, Rocky," Kharlosa interrupted. "If   
  
he made more of us, he'd risk draining his own energy. Thankfully,   
  
that means you just have to worry about us."  
  
"Yeah, but about that shrine maiden," Kurthish said, bringing the   
  
subject back on track. "If it weren't for that giant crystal behind   
  
him, he would've been burnt toast."  
  
Lina raised a hand slightly. "Hold up. Did he tell you all this, or   
  
were you there watching the fight?"  
  
Kurthish shook his head. "Nah; we appeared nearly two days ago.   
  
Let's just say we have memories that aren't really our own."  
  
Kharlosa glared at his counterpart, but the chubby mazoku was on a   
  
roll. "Take that Mazoku Blaster of Kharlosa's. He was actually   
  
imitating an ace fighter; but how could he have seen that ace if he'd   
  
come about just two days ago?"  
  
"Who is this ace fighter?" Amelia asked him. "Is it anyone we know?"  
  
"Not likely," Kharlosa growled, scowling at Kurthish. "Not unless   
  
you've seen a tall blonde-haired man with a red coat, a deadly aim,   
  
and a fondness for doughnuts."  
  
"I've heard of doughnuts before, but I can't exactly remember   
  
where..." Gourry stated, looking thoughtful.  
  
At that moment the waitress came back with the meal, plus a small   
  
box. Kurthish opened the box, took something out, and said: "Figaro   
  
City's local speciality: the chocolate doughnut. Here. Try some."  
  
Gourry snapped his fingers. "THAT'S where I heard of it!"  
  
---------------------------------------------------  
  
Kharlosa had tried to stop Kurthish, but by then it was too late.   
  
Two hours went by before the mission to destroy the gang resurfaced   
  
in their minds; but by then Lina and the others had decided to bugger   
  
out.  
  
"I don't believe this!" Kharlosa was ranting as they walked down the   
  
street later. "First you have the nerve to get a meal when we're   
  
supposed to be fighting, then you order some extra food for Lina,   
  
then you start regaling them with tales of Vash the Stampede! By the   
  
time we were finished, the princesa was taking notes while the   
  
chimera was asking me what 'senor' meant! I've never been so   
  
embarrassed!"  
  
"You've only been alive two days, Kharlosa," Kurthish said calmly.   
  
"You shouldn't have sung that song before you attacked, anyway. If   
  
you want embarrassed, you should see what Phibrizzo's face is going   
  
to look like later when we get through with him."  
  
-----------------------------------  
  
Speaking of Phibrizzo, he had long since worked out his anger against   
  
Xellos and was dozing off at the local inn. His nap was interrupted   
  
when his two minions entered the room, looking like the jerks that   
  
he'd thought of them as. "Well?" he inquired testily. "Did you find   
  
Lina Inverse?"  
  
"Yes," Kurthish said.  
  
Time stood still. "And..."  
  
"And what?" Kurthish asked.  
  
"Did you do what I asked you to do?" Phibrizzo asked impatiently.  
  
"No," Kharlosa blurted out.  
  
However unlikely it seemed, several veins started throbbing. "And   
  
why didn't you?"  
  
Kharlosa chuckled. "How can we respect a high-level mazoku who   
  
screams like a girl when he doesn't get his way?"  
  
Almost immediately, Phibrizzo was off the bed and in Kharlosa's face.   
  
"Where did you hear that? Did Inverse or her companions tell you?"  
  
Kurthish shrugged. "Actually, it was something we've known all   
  
along. Besides, the resemblance between you and Amelia is uncanny."   
  
Ignoring Kharlosa's snickering, he added: "Did she have a twin   
  
brother she didn't know about?"  
  
A voice that crushed the limits of anger kept him from speaking any   
  
further. "You will NOT bring up that stupid comparison again! Do   
  
you understand?!" Phibrizzo screamed, his fists glowing.  
  
"See?" Kharlosa said, chuckling. "Our point exactly. You may think   
  
you know everything about us since you made us, but you're wrong!"  
  
Kurthish nodded. "Exactly. For instance, you remember that Sylphiel   
  
lady? Not only did the master of the Flare Carrot nearly throttle   
  
you, but she said to Lina that..." he leaned towards Phibrizzo's ear   
  
and whispered the rest of the statement.  
  
A black flaming aura was in place around Phibrizzo by now; Kurthish   
  
suspected that it was hiding his blushing. Glaring daggers at his   
  
minions, the demented monster warned: "If you're not telling the   
  
truth, you're ancient history. How do you know all this?"  
  
Kharlosa was busy laughing, so Kurthish answered for him. "Anime."  
  
The aura disintegrated, and Kurthish was met with a confused look.   
  
"Anime? What are you talking about?"  
  
Kurthish sat on the edge of the bed, motioning for Phibrizzo to sit   
  
next to him. Kharlosa recovered from his laughter and did the same,   
  
clapping one hand on his boss's shoulder. "Boss, you've got a lot to   
  
learn about what we do remember. Stuff like anime, tacos, people who   
  
sound like Lina, humanoid typhoons, Super Saiyens..."  
  
Sniffing the air, Kharlosa abruptly jerked himself away from   
  
Phibrizzo. Holding his nose, he added: "...and deodorant soaps.   
  
When was the last time you had a bath?"  
  
In the span of a half-second, Kharlosa had grabbed Phibrizzo's arm   
  
and chucked him out the open window. He had been aiming for the hot   
  
springs behind the inn, and his aim was spot-on perfect. The splash   
  
and the angry shouting was proof of that.  
  
Kurthish sighed. "Okay, looks like we've got a LOT to explain to   
  
him."  
  
"Oh, shut up. I'm enjoying every second of this, amigo."  
  
-----------------------------  
  
That takes care of that. Now do you get how I came up with the   
  
title?  
  
Who knows what's going to happen next? I lost my rough draft of   
  
chapters. Guess I'll try to figure something out. Toodles! 


	8. Go Fish

This is Weird!  
---Go Fish  
  
Part Six of Negative Three  
  
A "Slayers" production by G. A. Curtis Wildcat  
  
Kharlosa Khosmosa, Kurthish, and Perana are mine. The song used later isn't...MAN, it isn't. laughs  
  
Where this fanfic is going this time, flaming would be useless.  
  
This takes place shortly after Part Five.  
  
----------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Phibrizzo sat on the edge of the bed, a large towel wrapped around him. His eyes were staring straight ahead, seeing nothing. A brown-furred hand waved in front of his face, but he never even blinked.  
  
The possessor of the hand, Kharlosa Khosmoa, walked over to where his partner Kurthish was sitting on a chair. "You were right. He's completely out of it," the catlike mazoku told him.  
  
Kurthish nodded. "When we transferred our memories regarding what we knew of Earth's anime, cultures and technology, it likely caused his mind to go blank temporarily. He'll be like that for the next few hours until he can completely digest that information."  
  
"I wasn't even aware that he had a mind to begin with," Kharlosa muttered. He shrugged. "Oh, well. Anything you want to do? Because I really don't want to stare at him all afternoon. That zoned-out expression is beginning to scare me."  
  
Kurthish looked at him, his expression curious. "Something's been bothering me. I know we haven't been around for very long, but don't you think there's a slight shortage of mazoku in the area? Outside of us three and Xellos, there aren't any in a 20-mile radius of this inn."  
  
One of Kharlosa's eyebrows arched. "Yeah, but I'd assumed it was because Lina Inverse and other competent humanos had something to do with it."  
  
"That's mostly true," Kurthish admitted, "but it isn't the complete truth. The mazoku that serve under Zelas Metallium, Dynast what's-his-name, and Gaav are the ones that Lina has faced on her travels...plus a rogue mazoku or two. Around the time of the War of the Monsters' Fall, most if not all of Boss Phibrizzo's servants bought it; if there are any left, they've done a spectacular job of shielding themselves."  
  
Kharlosa sighed irritably. "I hate it when you get all analytical...you're right, though. That just leaves one..."  
  
"Deep Sea Dolphin," they murmured in unison.  
  
The room was silent for a few seconds as the two mazoku worked this thought in their minds. Kharlosa finally spoke the question that was on his mind: "But why would Dolphin keep all her minions close to her? I mean, wouldn't she have wanted them to go out causing destruction like any other mazoku?"  
  
"In case you forgot, someone---I think it was Xellos, although I could be wrong---caused Dolphin to go insane," Kurthish explained, pointedly ignoring Kharlosa's last statement. "Anyone loyal to her would want to make sure she was safe. They'd probably anticipate that some kind of special reward would be given them if she ever snapped out of it."  
  
Kharlosa's eyes brightened. "So, what are you suggesting?"  
  
Kurthish smirked. "You up for a little trip, Kharlosa? When we exchanged memories with Phibrizzo, we got some of his in the process. We know exactly where to go, and what we should do."  
  
It looked like a sound idea. Kharlosa walked over to a nearby desk, pulled out a sheet of paper and vial of ink, dipped one of his claws into the vial, and wrote out a quick message in case their boss woke up while they were away. With that done, the two of them teleported out.  
  
The note read:  
  
"Gone fishing. We'll save you a trout.  
---Kharlosa"  
  
-------------------  
  
Deep Sea Dolphin's undersea fortress was something to look at...if you could withstand the pressure of being 4,000 feet under sea level. It was nearly three-quarters of a mile long and shaped like a giant trident, with one of the tips a hundred feet tall; the building's glass roof was created by Dolphin herself, and was impossible to cave in. Besides, it helped to have a nice view of the area.  
  
About a third of the mazoku who inhabited the building had either aquatic abilities or were leaning that way; thus, many of the rooms had pools that allowed them to venture out into the outside sea. For centuries, though, loyalty to their master had confined them to the palace in the hope that Dolphin would regain her sanity. Without her, they wouldn't know what to do. On occasion, a mazoku would be brave enough to leave the castle and gather information on current events; but other than that, no one dared to leave the ailing Dolphin by herself.  
  
Two of the mazoku guards at the fortress's foyer were startled when Kurthish and Kharlosa teleported behind them. They didn't stay startled for long, and they knew fellow mazoku when they saw them. "You two!" one of them shouted. "Who do you serve?"  
  
"Check our signatures, idiot," Kharlosa snapped before taking off like greased lightning down the hallway. "And eat my dust while you're at it!"  
  
Kurthish shook his head sadly before looking back at the guards. "We work for Phibrizzo. Sorry about this," he explained as he followed Kharlosa down the hall.  
  
One guard looked at the other, incredulous. "They work...for Phibrizzo?! I was sure that the last of his minions were destroyed a millenium ago!"  
  
"They've had to be kidding," the other mazoku told him. "Phibrizzo wouldn't want to waste his remaining energy on someone like them. Would he? And wasn't he destroyed not too long ago in that Giga Slave fiasco? Maybe they were created by whoever came to power after him."  
  
Oh, if only they knew.  
  
-----------  
  
When Kharlosa was running at full steam, his speed was nearly unequaled. Although not quite at full blast, his current speed was enough to land him in the fortress's left prong within ten seconds---the one previously mentioned as being a hundred feet tall. When Kurthish followed him in, it took all of his willpower not to gasp at the sight.  
  
A massive silver diamond was hovering in the center of the room, bathed in a bluish-white pillar of light. Floating within the tinted diamond was the form of a twenty-year-old. Her mouth was shouting something, but the transparent cage prevented any sound from passing through. Her eyes were wide open, and she repeatedly pounded the barrier in a centuries-old attempt to break free.  
  
"Eeesh," Kharlosa muttered. "I wonder what Xellos said to freak her out."  
  
"Don't ask me," someone muttered from inside the room. "I wasn't there, and I doubt I want to know."  
  
Startled out of his wits, Kharlosa's index finger jerked upwards and fired off a trio of energy bolts in the voice's general direction. The shots spanged against something and phased out upon reaching the ceiling.  
  
The voice's originator sighed before stepping out of the shadows. "That has to be one of the weirdest attacks I've ever seen."  
  
Kharlosa took a moment to get his nerves under control, then shot back with a retort. "And that has to be the spikiest mohawk I've ever seen, Red."  
  
"It's the only mohawk you've ever seen," Kurthish told him calmly, his eyes still fixed on Dolphin's prison. "I'm assuming introductions are in order, Miss...?"  
  
The tall mohawk-headed mazoku nodded, smoothing out a wrinkle in the maroon uniform she was wearing. She spoke again with a gruffness that belied her near-skeletal frame. "Perana. I'm Mistress Dolphin's next-in-command after her priest and general. I've been assigned the duty of guarding her. Tell me what it is you're doing here in her private chamber, or else."  
  
"I knew something was fishy around here," Kharlosa wisecracked. "I'm Kharlosa Khosmosa, and he's Kurthish. To put it simply, we decided that the world could always use a few more mazoku and came to stop the insanity."  
  
Perana tilted her head slightly, then sniffed the air a few times. "I recognize that scent," she growled. "The both of you reek of Phibrizzo!"  
  
Kurthish glanced briefly at Kharlosa, who was trying his hardest to look smug. "I guess it was a good thing you tossed him out the window into those hot springs, after all."  
  
Perana shook her head angrily, repeatedly stomping her foot on the floor. "That's not what I meant! Phibrizzo's power surrounds you both!"  
  
Kharlosa stared back at her, chuckling. "Man, you're nervioso. We try to do a world of mazoku a favor, and you're all suspicious just because our boss has a bad rep."  
  
Perana folded her arms haughtily. "So I was right. You two were created by Phibrizzo after all! What kind of purpose does he have in wanting to restore my mistress's mental health, and why didn't he just come himself?"  
  
"We came here of our own free will, Miss Perana," Kurthish told her. "Phibrizzo is...incapacitated at the moment. He doesn't know about this, mostly because he doesn't know that there is a way of returning Dolphin's mind to her."  
  
"And you expect me to believe you?" Perana scoffed.  
  
"Whether you believe it or not is up to you," Kurthish said, smiling slightly. "Besides, dignity won't permit him to pay any visits anytime soon."  
  
"Dignity?"  
  
"Maybe one of these days I can show you what I mean." Kurthish turned his gaze to Dolphin, then back to Perana. "After we release Dolphin's mind and get you a few cheese steaks."  
  
"I always look like this, idiot!" Dolphin's guardian snapped. "I look like this by choice. Any mazoku knows that the amount of food he eats doesn't effect how he appears physically!"  
  
"And that 'any mazoku' is you?" Kharlosa joked. "When Kurthish sits around the house, he REALLY sits around the---" SMACK "---ow!"  
  
"ANYWAYS, getting back on topic," Kurthish said loudly while rubbing the back of his hand, "I came here to free a mazoku lord, and that's what I'm going to do."  
  
"So, you're really intent on releasing my mistress...very well," Perana decided, unfolding her arms and sitting down on the floor. "In order to crack the diamond prison it's necessary to use a sound so high that most people, mazoku or otherwise, wouldn't be able to hear it. That much I know."  
  
Kharlosa stepped forward. "That's my cue." Opening his mouth slightly, he rapidly vibrated his vocal cords at a high intensity. The resulting sound waves passed straight through the diamond, cracking and then shattering it completely. The whole process took two-tenths of a second, but it got the job done by dropping the crazed monster onto the floor and extinguishing the light pillar.  
  
Almost immediately, a high-pitched screaming assaulted the ears of everyone in the room. "I'm assuming the next step is shutting her up?!" Kharlosa yelled at his partner.  
  
"Right as rain," Kurthish snapped. "Perana, I'll quiet her down! You make sure she doesn't go anywhere!"  
  
If it meant helping Dolphin, Perana was eager to do it. She bolted from her seat and engaged an armlock just as Kurthish slapped something over the high-level monster's mouth. The struggling didn't stop, but at least her screaming did.  
  
Before they want on, Perana was curious about something. "What was it you put on her mouth? I've never seen it before."  
  
"It's called duct tape," Kurthish said, chuckling. "Comes in handy in sticky situations." He stepped back to re-examine their captive, his laughter gone. "I'd seen pictures of Deep Sea Dolphin, but I don't think they compare to the real thing."  
  
Even touched in the head, Dolphin was a sight to behold; the sea was her chosen palette. Her blue hair (some of it tied into dual ponytails) literally seemed to melt into the dress that she chose to wear (it was actually an optical illusion, but Kurthish and Kharlosa didn't know that), her sapphire earrings seemed to shine with their own light, and her turquoise eyes...  
  
...screamed insanity. Kurthish shook his head. "Now the next step is figuring out how to soothe her mind and bring it back to normal."  
  
Perana tapped a few fingers against her chin thoughtfully. "Well, I do remember Xellos saying something to me shortly after Mistress Dolphin went berserk, but I could never figure out what he meant. He said something like: 'Soothe the raging hydra. Fight insanity with insanity with music that surpasses dimensional boundaries.' When I asked him what he meant, he said 'That is a secret' and shuffled off."  
  
"That is rather loco," Kharlosa murmured. "What does it mean?"  
  
"If I knew, there'd be a lot more monsters in this world," Perana deadpanned. "The fact remains that his puzzle has remained unsolved to this day."  
  
"I know what he means," Kurthish said, sneering in disgust.  
  
Two heads immediately spun to face him. "Well, what do you know about this?" Kharlosa snapped. "Out with it!"  
  
"I'm not entirely sure, but the gist of it is 'sing a song so stupid it couldn't possibly be of this planet, and she'll calm down.' There's only one song that I can think of that matches that description," Kurthish explained, wincing at the thought of it.  
  
"A song?" the others asked in unison.  
  
"Well, it's more of a musical chant, actually," Kurthish said. He scratched the back of his head nervously.  
  
Kharlosa's expression fell. "Wait a second. You couldn't possibly mean----no. No stinking way! It's one of the dumbest songs out there!" he yelled, his voice on the verge of panic.  
  
"Well, since it matches Xellos's puzzle perfectly, I'm singing it," Kurthish growled warningly, his voice rising to echo throughout the chamber. "And unless you want Dolphin to remain as she is, I'll need you two as backup. Miss Perana, Kharlosa knows the backup role well enough. Just do as he does."  
  
Kharlosa groaned as he resigned himself to his fate. Not really understanding, Perana stood next to him with her arms still engaged in the lock. Finally, Kurthish gathered a deep breath and started to recite the song's lyrics as a melody kicked up in the background...  
  
"Hubba hubba zoot zoot. Aba-uba zut zut a-num num. Hubba hubba zoot zoot. Aba-uba zut zut a-num num. Ahu-appa hu-appa aha-huappa a-num nummm."  
  
"Ahu-appa hu-appa aha-huappa a-num num..." Kharlosa chanted half-heartedly, his right eye twitching.  
  
"A-num. Hubba hubba zoot zoot. Aba-uba zut zut a-num num. Hubba hubba zoot zoot. Aba-uba zut zut a-num num. Ahu-appa hu-appa aha-huappa a-num nummm."  
  
This time, Perana joined Kharlosa in singing the backup; it took everything she had not to burst out laughing. Following that, the two of them tried their hands at singing the song, and then recited the basic chant a few times before Kurthish began singing again.  
  
At the end of the performance, Perana had given up all pretense of struggling and was rolling on the floor, holding her sides against the hilarity that threatened to overcome her. In so doing she had released the armlock on Dolphin, who collapsed to the floor. Kharlosa had stomped over to Kurthish and was yelling in his face, threatening to disclose the entire account to Phibrizzo once they returned. Kurthish was looking as nervous as possible, wondering how he had convinced himself to do this.  
  
And Dolphin? She sat there on the floor, her eyes really seeing for the first time in over 900 years. Suffice to say that the first thing she saw was a pair of arguing monsters who weren't familiar to her. But for the first time, she was relaxed and in control. And the first thing she did was to storm over to the arguing duo and yell: "Mmml oo mph hmmm mmllllrrr hmmms meemre mmozzem mml?!"  
  
Not skipping a beat, Kharlosa reached over, yanked the duct tape off Dolphin's mouth and resumed his argument. Her eyes goggled, but she refused to let anyone know how much that had stung. Instead, she let the sting boost her earlier request: "WILL YOU TWO FOOLS CLOSE YOUR MOUTHS BEFORE I CLOSE THEM MYSELF?!"  
  
Her cry got the desired effect, but she didn't get the chance to say anything else; Perana had engulfed the mazoku lord in a huge hug. "MistressDolphinit'sgoodtoseeyouupandaround. Nowwecangooutandbreakstuffagain! Yahoooooo!"  
  
Kurthish was amazed. "With someone that skinny, I didn't think she'd be that strong."  
  
"Yeah. You'd know, 'Slim Pickens'," Kharlosa said sarcastically. To Dolphin, he said: "Deep Sea Dolphin, I presume?"  
  
Dolphin broke Perana's hold, drew in a few breaths, and glared straight at the wild-haired monster that spoke to her. "Who are you two? State your business here," she proclaimed authoritatively, rubbing her sore mouth.  
  
Kharlosa growled irritably. "For the last stinkin' time, WE WORK FOR PHIBRIZZO! Sheesh. It's like we're talking to walls here."  
  
Kurthish smacked the back of Kharlosa's head, effectively taking over the conversation before Dolphin could take offense. "I'm Kurthish, and he's Kharlosa. I'll cut straight to the point. What was the last thing you remember?"  
  
"Who wants to know? Your boss?" Dolphin asked, seeming to glare straight through him.  
  
"No. Me. Phibrizzo has nothing to do with this. Right now, he's sitting on a bed somewhere with his mind suffering from temporary information overload. I had nothing better to do with my time, and I figured your minions would be tired of watching over you decade after decade."  
  
"Oh. Glad they even care. Well, I remember trying to learn from Xellos what my sister Zelas's role was in the War of the Monsters' Fall...besides that barrier, I mean. After that, it's as if nothing happened to me at all."  
  
"You willing to drop that question?"  
  
"No. Why?"  
  
"It's been over 950 years since you went insane, and you might want to learn about the things that have happened since then."  
  
This interested Dolphin. "I see. Tell me everything you know." She pointed out Perana, plus a few other mazoku who had heard the commotion. Lastly, she turned to Kurthish. "Follow me to my conference room, and start from the beginning." She turned slightly to glare at Kharlosa. "And no funny business. Do you understand me?"  
  
Kharlosa nodded, grumbling silently as he disintegrated the "I swim like a flounder" sign held behind his back.  
  
---------------------  
  
Several hours had gone by since then. By that time, Dolphin had gotten a clear picture on world events and on what her siblings had been up to. She wasn't the least bit surprised about what had happened to Gaav and Phibrizzo, although some of the actions taken by the other two siblings puzzled her somewhat. Finally, she decided to drop in on Dynast and Zelas in order to say hi (and also in the case of Zelas, to smack her around a bit). "You'd better keep this conversation a secret," she had told Kurthish. "If my siblings found out that I was thankful to Phibrizzo's last henchmen, they'd never let me hear the end of it."  
  
And that was that. The two minions teleported back to the inn, stopping long enough to snag a trout at a nearby river.  
  
Phibrizzo was still sitting on the bed when they got back, but this time he was fully conscious. He looked up as they rematerialized. "I saw your note. Did you catch anything?"  
  
"Yeah. We got ourselves a trout," Kharlosa said, smiling. "We caught ourselves a dolphin too, but we decided to throw it back."  
  
The trout, which had hung limp in Kharlosa's arms since he'd caught it, slapped his face a few times with its tail before leaping free and sliding out the window. Angrily, Kharlosa dove after it---right into the hot spring. "Come here, dinner! You ain't getting away from me!"  
  
Phibrizzo was all grins as he watched the scene. "About time he did something stupid. Heh, heh, heh."  
  
"Okay, you've had a laugh at our expense," Kurthish muttered, resisting the urge to facefault. "Anything else, boss?"  
  
"Yeah, go to the market and buy some pepper. I prefer my fish extra-spicy. Ha-ha!"  
  
Kurthish just groaned and stared out at the window at Kharlosa, who tried again to grab their dinner but succeeded only in ramming his face into the side of the pool. "So we're stuck here for the rest of the day. Terrific."  
  
---------------------------------------  
  
Hmmm....I think at this point, I'd better leave those guys alone for a while and head back to the real stars of the show. Can't let the mazoku have all the fun, and besides: I'm replacing the plotlines I lost.  
  
Next time: Amelia enters a poetry contest. Lina, Gourry, and Xellos have an intellectual conversation. Luna discloses some details of an excellent adventure. Zelgadis drinks some coffee. 


	9. Of Poets, Cameos, and Caffeine

This is Weird!  
---Of Poets, Cameos, and Caffeine 

Part Seven Divided By Zero

A "Slayers" production by G. A. Curtis Wildcat

Send your flames to Zephilia's Lunar Tavern. The special today is sparkling water.

* * *

A notice hung inconspicuously in a place where everyone could see it. Dozens more just like it were being hung throughout the city, courtesy of the town council. And everywhere one was hung, people gathered around it excitedly. 

The one hung outside the medicinal store was no exception, although eventually everyone got tired of looking at it. This allowed Amelia, who was heading to the store that morning for some supplies, to get a closer look at the sign when she walked by. A second later, she fell over when she tried to read the sign and walk away simultaneously.

Pulling herself up, she stayed in one spot and read aloud. "20th annual poetry contest. At least 70 words. Pick any subject you want. Submit to the town council by sundown. The winners will be contacted tomorrow morning and given prizes based on finish. 1st place: 50 gold pieces, publication in the local newsletter, and lunch with the mayor. 2nd place: 30 gold pieces, publication, and a library pass good until the end of the year. 3rd place: 10 gold pieces, publication, and two new pairs of boots."

Amelia shrugged, then smiled. "Any subject, huh? Then I know just what I'm going to write about." She looked at the store for a second then walked inside, brushing past a skinny man in a red coat as she did so. "First things first, though."

* * *

"You entered a poetry contest?" Lina asked as the group met in the town square a half-hour later. "Sounds like a waste of time if you ask me." 

"You're forgetting that Amelia writes all her own speeches," Zelgadis said, sipping from a cup of coffee and trying to ignore the two idiotic, snickering teenagers standing several meters behind him. "And she doesn't really have anything to lose by entering; even better if she gets into the top three."

Lina sighed. "I suppose not. I'd never understand why some writers make a lot of money, but then again I'm not into poetry." She waved Amelia off. "Go on, find someplace to write your poem. I'm gonna find something else to do." A vein on her forehead throbbed. "Like pounding a pair of jerks, for instance!"

As Amelia walked away, Lina spun around on her heels and adopted a furious expression. "You two shut up before I toast you!"

"Really? Cool," the blonde-haired one said. "Fire! Fire, fire! Heh-heh-heh."

Thankfully for the two uber-morons, a passing dimensional rift came by and swallowed them up before they could cause any mental damage. Lina, Gourry, Zelgadis, and Xellos stared slackjawed for several minutes, wondering what just happened.

The other passers-by didn't even blink.

* * *

A bit later, having found a quiet spot in the town library, Amelia settled down to write her contest entry. "Let's see," she muttered. "I want to write this so it sends a message. It needs to be motivating, yet having a sense of calm. Something like...'A Hoarse Cry For Justice'. Perfect! Now...what words rhyme with 'justice'?..." 

She stood up. "This isn't working for me. Where's the dictionary?"

A blue-haired girl approached her and handed her a large book. "Here you go, miss. You can use mine," she said, her voice quiet and friendly.

Amelia smiled. "Thank you!"

As the girl walked away, Amelia started flipping through the pages rapidly. After a minute or so of searching, she sat down again and began writing.

* * *

Since Amelia was off somewhere writing her poem, Lina and Gourry didn't have much else to do except walk around town. Zelgadis was sipping from another cup of coffee, and Xellos was making faces behind his back. 

Reaching a street corner, everyone else stopped walking and looked at Xellos. The fact that it was done at the same time wasn't lost on Gourry. "Now that's just creepy."

"What's creepy?" Lina asked him.

"We all just stopped and decided to look at Xellos at the same time."

"I just thought I heard someone shouting 'Ni! Ni!' behind me," Lina explained, shrugging. "Simply coincidence."

"Given the chance, I'd be looking at something else," Zelgadis muttered, sipping his coffee. "I turned to look at him because he was giving me rabbit ears behind my head."

Xellos looked down at his hand, shook it, and smacked it a few times. "Bad! Evil hand! No more rabbit ears, for the last time!"

"You need help," Lina muttered. Out loud, she said: "What's the deal with the poetry contest? You know anything about this?"

Xellos shrugged. "A lot of the people here are keen on reading, education...things like that. They have that contest each year to encourage it."

Lina glanced sideways at Gourry. "Something tells me you've never passed through here before we met, Gourry."

"Should I have?" the swordsman asked. "It's not like I carry large books around wherever I go."

"Eh, forget it," Lina growled, exasparated. "I've got nothing else to do, and neither does Xellos. I'm bored out of my skull."

Xellos looked up from the folded-up paper triangle he was examining. "What makes you think I don't have anything else to---"

"Excuse me?" someone asked behind Lina. "I'm looking for directions."

Lina turned around to see who had asked her, and noticed a teenage kid with black unruly hair and a yellow bandanna. "Where do you need to go?"

"I was supposed to meet someone at the town square," the kid explained, "and I'm having trouble getting there. Could you help me?"

---Must be a tourist,--- Lina mused. Pointing one hand eastward, she continued: "Sure. Head straight down the street until you see a fountain. You can't miss it."

The kid nodded. "Thank you, miss." With that, he turned and headed westward.

Gourry raced to catch up with him. "I think she meant the other way around, kid!"

The teenager chuckled nervously, then turned in the indicated direction. "Thanks."

The four of them watched as the unknown kid walked down the street. As he disappeared from view, there was a startled shout as a flock of birds took flight. A second later, an angry yell echoed throughout the streets: "RANMA, WHERE ARE YOU?! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!"

Sweatdrops all around. Zelgadis took another sip of his coffee. "That was definitely strange."

Lina blinked. "Why do I get the feeling that he wasn't supposed to be here?"

Having that same feeling but dismissing it quickly, Xellos flicked the paper triangle at the back of Lina's head. As expected, this was enough to annoy her into picking up the triangle and throwing it back.

In the end, Lina and Xellos started gathering stray sheets of paper and flicking little triangles at each others' heads. Gourry joined in, trying to keep track of how many times each side made contact. Zelgadis? He took another sip of his coffee and muttered something about children.

* * *

In an unknown place, a mysterious entity stirred. "Hmmm? What's this?....A disturbance at the infamous city of Dimen Port?" the entity crooned quietly. "The dimensional barrier must be weakening due to the presence of a group of heroes."

A few seconds later, a trace of mirth entered its voice. "I take it back. THAT group of heroes."

* * *

The setting: Zephilia. A dark-haired girl and a platinum blonde-haired woman dashed down opposite ends of a brass racquets court, exchanging high-speed volleys and serves that never quite reached their targets. On the sidelines, an oddly-dressed brown-haired kid with a paper and pen watched the match go back and forth.

"So let me get this straight," the woman snarled as she slammed the ball back at her opponent, "you were tricked by these two kids and..." The ball hurdled back towards her, and she smashed it back again. "...taken forward in the stream of time?"

"Really unusual kids at that, too," the girl replied, backhanding the ball the other way. "Unusual clothes, unusual mannerisms...their time period was unusual, too. Probably someplace...outside the barrier."

"Really? How so, Luna?"

"You ever see an entire marketplace...stuffed underneath one roof? And their modes of transportation...if there were any horses around...I didn't see any. Plus, the drink...that they referred to as a 'Coca-Cola' was...unlike any I'd ever tasted up until then."

Pause as Platinum-Blondie sent the ball zig-zagging around the court. "Yes, that IS unusual...Sounds like my kind of town. So...what happened after you got there?"

"Well, turns out that the kids picked up some...other unusual people too---a philosopher, a musician...just to name a few. We split up, and I...had to follow the barbarian that was with us...I left him in an equipment store, and...I saw a guy juggling some knives and an apple...I got in on the act and even added...my sword and a few oranges. The folks loved it...but the marketplace guards didn't. They captured...most of the group and locked us up."

A slight smirk. "Fun experience."

"It doesn't end there, Zelas...the two kids that they missed came along and got us...out of jail, and took us to a nearby audience...chamber. Turned out that the...reason they kidnapped me and the others was to give...a history report to the people from their school; they needed...us along as visual aids. After everything was...said and done, they took us back to our...rightful places in the time stream."

"So that's where you were when...I came by. I was wondering about that---"

Someone tapped Zelas on her shoulder. She turned around---and got nailed twice. The right side of her face was hit by the ball; the left side was hit by a water-soaked hand. This caused her to lose focus and swerve around dizzily for a few moments.

The owner of the hand withdrew it, looking huffy. "That was for having Xellos scramble my mind, -SISTER-!" she snapped. "I was fishing out of a snifter for a CENTURY before I was locked up, no thanks to you! Hmph! You should know better." Slightly calmer, she added: "Oh...hello, Ceiphied Knight. Didn't see you there. Bye-bye."

As the woman teleported out, Zelas strolled over and looked at Luna. "Tell me...did I just get hit in the face by my demented sister, Deep Sea Dolphin?"

Luna nodded. "Yep."

"Does she look sane to you?"

"Yep."

"I thought as much."

Beat. Wince.

"Let's start that one over. That won't count as a hit." She turned to the kid, who wasn't even phased at Dolphin's appearance. "Got that, Conan?"

"Got it!"

* * *

Back at where the contest was taking place, Amelia entered the council building. There, she was greeted by a gentleman possessing a huge brown mustache. "Is this where I turn in my entry for the contest?" she asked. 

The man nodded. "Hello, miss. My name is Jonas Weezer, and I'm the mayor here. Since you're here, I can take the poem and give it the council." He accepted the poem from Amelia. "If you finish in the top three, I'll have one of the councilmen contact you."

Amelia thanked the mayor and left.

* * *

Lina and the others stood outside the inn that evening, watching the sunset. She didn't know about anyone else, but she was glad that she'd be leaving the town tomorrow afternoon. Things were getting just a little too strange for her liking.

A bit bored, she turned her head towards Zelgadis. The chimera was on his thirteenth cup of coffee that day, and he was showing no signs of stopping. "Zel, I know you like coffee, but this is ridiculous."

Zelgadis's stare bored right into her; if it was any colder, he could've shot a Vice Freeze using only his eyes. "Do you have a problem with that, Lina?" he muttered, sipping his coffee.

Lina quickly waved her hands. "Okay, okay!" As soon as Zelgadis calmed down, she turned away from him and started thinking: ---Man, question him about his caffeine intake and he becomes a different person...well, maybe not that different, but still...---

A man dashed by the group; Amelia recognized the red-coated man she saw at the medicine shop earlier. Another man in a brown coat passed by them as well, screaming at his target.

Gourry took in the spectacle in his usual manner. "That's the seventh time those guys have run through here. Are they entering a race?"

Xellos shrugged. "Who can say? They certainly seem like the energetic type."

"Just ignore them, guys," Lina grumbled, her stomach doing the same. She reached inside a pocket for her coin purse. "Let's just get inside and grab some din---how did...?!"

Everyone jerked their heads towards her; suddenly, her angry face matched her hair. "Lina, what is it?" Amelia asked, fearing what was going to happen.

"Why, that sneaky little thief!" Lina growled, cracking her knuckles. "He just stole my coin purse!"

Amelia placed her hands on Lina's in an attempt to calm her down, then reached inside a pocket. "Don't worry, Lina. I can pay for..." her expression became indignant. "No, I can't! He stole my money too, and I didn't even know it!"

In that moment, they knew what to do. ---No one steals from us!--- they were thinking. ---No one!---

The two of them bolted after the thief, running and shouting angrily: "LUPIN, GET BACK HERE!" Only a pair of dust clouds marked their passing.

Zelgadis sipped his coffee. "Get dinner, or follow them? They should be more than a lone thief can handle."

"Get dinner," Gourry and Xellos agreed. The three of them strolled into the inn, ignoring Lupin and his three pursuers.

* * *

The following hours passed quickly. Lina and Amelia eventually caught up to Lupin and got their money back, but the thief slipped free from them and escaped. They trudged back to the inn, ate some dinner, and crawled into bed.

Lina couldn't sleep, though...something was bothering her; and after a second of searching, she found the reason why. Reaching into the blankets, she pulled out a tiny black cat with humungous yellow eyes. "You weren't here earlier, were you?" she asked, glaring at the little feline.

"Mowww."

"I didn't think so." Tossing the cat out the window, Lina went back to bed and fell back to sleep again, ignoring the startled cry of "Oro!" as the cat landed on someone.

* * *

The following morning after breakfast, Amelia was met by a man with a painted-on moustache and glasses. "Go to the council building and take a number. You've finished in the top three." 

Cheering silently, the princess thanked him and skipped out of the inn. The mustached man looked at the others. "Is she always this jovial?"

"Yeah, just about," Lina answered with looking at him. "She'd probably cheer for a mouse if it was fighting for freedom."

"No wonder you're so cagey," the man commented dryly as he departed.

* * *

There were a few other people there when Amelia arrived, including the blue-haired girl that she recognized from the library. The third person, a brown-haired swordsman several years older than her, looked like he never wanted to be here. 

Shaking away his image, Amelia looked at another councilman; this one was a thin man with a yellow card labeled "AFV" in his hand. Tensing herself, she waited for the announcement.

"Alright. The second-place, 30 gold-piece winner is: Ami Mizuno, with her entry 'Soldier of Ice'." Waiting for the applause in the background to stop, he continued. "And the first-place, 50 gold-piece winner is: Soujiro Seta, with his entry 'Search for Meaning'."

The young swordsman chuckled nervously as the applause kicked in and his gold was awarded. "I wasn't really expecting to do so well. Thank you."

A green-headed man in a yellow suit approached Ami and Amelia, awarding the library pass to the former and a pair of new green boots (exactly like the original) to the latter. Ami nodded her thanks, accepted the awarded gold too, and left.

Amelia received her ten-gold share, but something was still bothering her. "Excuse me, but the ad said that the third-place winner would get TWO pairs of boots. This is only one."

"Ooh, I think you're right," the green-headed man chortled. Getting a shocked expression, he pointed behind the Seyruunian princess and exclaimed: "Look out behind you! There's something blue headed your way!"

Reflexively, Amelia spun around. Right before the thought that she'd been tricked could cross her mind, the man wound up and delivered a punt---using both feet somehow---that would make a pro football coach proud of him. One "YAAAAAAHHHHHH!!" and a large hole later, Amelia was shot through the ceiling like a missile and kept on going.

"Oops. It's just the sky! Ha, ha, ha!" the kicker stated before turning into a tornado and spinning away, ignoring the "what-in-the-world-was-that" expression on Soujiro's face.

* * *

At the time, Lina and the gang were waiting outside the inn for Amelia to return. Lina was stating repeatedly that there was no way a striped orange cat could eat more than her and Gourry put together; said swordsman was watching something in the sky; Xellos was waiting for an excuse to leave and make his report to Zelas, and Zelgadis...was drinking some coffee.

Deciding that fuming about an overweight cat wasn't getting her anywhere, Lina turned her attention back to Zelgadis's coffee. "Honestly, Zel. I don't know how you stand it. The stuff's so bitter."

"Um, Lina?" That was Gourry.

"Half a teaspoon of cream solves that problem," Zelgadis commented off-handedly. "Normally I don't drink so much coffee, but this city has my nerves on edge somewhat."

"SPOOOOONN!" someone shouted in the background.

"That's what I mean."

"Lina? IFP."

Lina growled irritably before turning to Gourry. "What is it, Gourry? What do you mean, 'IFP'?"

Gourry pointed at what he was staring at a second ago. "Incoming Flying Princess."

That was all the warning they had before an airborne Amelia crashed into them with the force of...well, an airborne Amelia. Xellos took this opportunity to teleport out, relishing the chance to escape the city early.

From the bottom of the crater, Amelia groaned. "I should've known that there was a catch."

Pulling herself up, Lina thrust a fist into the air and shook it angrily. "I have had enough of this town! By the time it's finished with us, we'll be grease stains on the bottom of the pot---what?"

A spherical red/white object had rolled into the crater, sparking with electricity and reciting something in a constant monotone. Landing on top of the foursome, the impact was enough for it to glow brightly and explode, forcing them even deeper into the crater.

Too tired to move and covered with dust, Lina continued her angry tirade from where she was embedded in the side of the crater. "Come on! Do the citizens here have to take whatever I say as an insult?! My patience is wearing thin..." Beat. "Uh-oh."

The others slowly managed to pick themselves off the ground. "What is it, Lina?" Zelgadis inquired, taking a sip of his coffee---which had somehow managed to survive both Amelia's fall and the explosion.

Lina cupped her ear, suddenly shuddering. "There it is again. It's a sound that I've dreaded for several years now..." She flinched. "It's happening again!"

Over the wind, the worst sound anyone could ever hope to hear drifted into the ears of the four Slayers...

"AH-HAHAHOHOHO!"

Suddenly feeling rejuvenated, Lina grabbed them all---including Zelgadis---and gave a mighty leap that cleared the crater. "That's it. I'm not sticking around for this. I'm getting out of here!" she exclaimed frantically, deciding immediately to make a mad dash out of town. It would be better for their sanity, at least.

As the group departed the town for good, a small solitary object floated to the ground a hundred meters from the inn. As it did so, the ground shook violently; homes were rattled, and citizens were knocked off their feet. Finally, as the termors subsided, someone moved closer to see what the object was.

It was a black rose petal.

* * *

That was no ordinary earthquake. That was the Lord of Nightmares committing her face to the floor...almost to a fault.

* * *

Cameos everywhere! Make a mental list of how many non-Slayers appearances and references you can find. If you can find them all, buy some nachos and congratulate yourself. If anyone's having difficulty with a reference or two, I'll package the complete list with the next part. Toodles!

--Curtis Wildcat


	10. Change of Plans

A "Slayers" Production 

THIS IS WEIRD!  
Part ? of !

Changing Plans

by Curtis Wildcat

If there IS a "Harvey's Ham" somewhere, let me know so I can change it.

Got flame? So does Lina, so your point would be?

* * *

"Say WHAT!"

Lina, Gourry, Amelia, and Zelgadis were gathered around a small campsite somewhere along the route to Seyruun. Amelia had decided that she had had enough of traveling with Lina and the others for now, and that she should get home before Phil started getting concerned; she was especially eager to do so, since Lina had been really crabby for some reason or another the last few days. Xellos, for reasons known only to him, wasn't with them.

Shortly after they had eaten dinner, however, they were intercepted by two mazokunamely, Kurthish and Kharlosa. The latter had an odd mix of disgust and shock on his face, while Kurthish looked like he couldn't care less about the situation he had found himself in. All in all, it was rather startling when he repeated: "We've been asked to follow you from now on and make sure no one does you any harm."

An immediately suspicious Zelgadis glared at them. "What's Phibrizzo up to now? Is he planning to set some sort of trap for us, or is he having you turn on us when we least expect it?"

Kharlosa turned his back to them. "Neither," he grumbled.

"Speak louder, Kharlosa," Lina said, her eyes narrowed.

"I said neither, senorita Inverse!" Kharlosa snapped angrily. Calming himself slightly, he said: "Seems Mother wasn't too happy with her little boy for kidnapping you recently, so she arranged a 100-year timeout. Also seems she wants to keep you alive for whatever reason. Said something about being able to control her energy without wrecking the world, if that helps any."

So THAT was why Lina had been thoroughly ticked off, Amelia thought. "So if the 'little boy' was Phibrizzo, then 'Mother' is..." Her words trailed off abruptly as she realized who Kharlosa was talking about. Lina and Zelgadis's eyes widened a bit as they came to the same conclusion. Gourry ignored them, finishing off what was left of dinner.

"And the candles are lit," Kurthish confirmed sarcastically. "I'll be honest, though. I kinda like being able to work for the Lord of Nightmares herself. Following Phibrizzo's orders was somewhat of a drag."

"I can imagine," said Amelia. "It must be terrible to follow the orders of a madman, having to cater to his every whim and follow all his orders..."

Kharlosa interrupted her spoken thoughts. "You forgot one thing."

"What's that?"

"He stinks. Mazoku or not, his clothes reeked of extreme B.O. The last time he took a bath, the entire town held a festival in his honor."

A few seconds later, the ground had three facial imprints. The fourth face, Gourry, finished swallowing dinner.

* * *

In an unknown location many miles north, a conversation was taking place.

"Rumors are abounding, my lord. Two mazoku have recently been spotted several days away from Seyruun."

"Hmm. Do they work for any of my...siblings?"

"From what I've ascertained from our minions, their residual signatures are not those of Zelas or Dolphin. They certainly do not work for us."

"That leaves them as rogues. With both the others out of the picture, anyone who operated under Gaav or Phibrizzoas unlikely as that soundsare bound to either go undercover or reappear and interfere in some way with our plans. We can't have that."

"Your orders, my lord?"

"Track them down and destroy them."

"As you wish...Lord Dynast."

* * *

Morning several days later found the crew subtracted by one. At a town not too far from Seyruun's borders, Amelia had said her good-byes and took off for home via the Ray Wing Express. Not too long after, the remaining members of the gang tried to decide which restaurant to go to.

"Zesty Stew Pot!" Lina argued, pointing at the food joint behind her. Gourry sided with her, as well; the Zesty Stew Pot was advertising that two people could eat for the price of one, and served great soups and sandwiches.

"The Crabby Cutters" was Zelgadis's choice. Since the town was not far from a fair-sized lake, the restaurant served high-quality seafood amongst other things. Plus, their coffee was tasty.

Kurthish, having demonstrated his appetite once already, was more concerned with quantity than quality. "Looks like I'm at 'Harvey's House of Hunger'," he decided. "Kharlosa, go with Gourry and Lina. Get yourself some tea or something."

"I'd rather have a jar of taco sauce, but they haven't made that stuff here yet," the spiky-haired mazoku muttered as the group seperated.

* * *

From her hiding place several buildings away, a twenty year-old with her blue hair in a braid watched as the five of them split up. Her first target was entering the Zesty Stew Pot. Deciding that she didn't want to risk an encounter with Lina Inverse or Gourry Gabriev just yet, she turned her attention towards Harvey's House. The second of the two targets had already entered the establishment.

"Perfect," she whispered, stepping out of hiding and strolling calmly and confidently towards Harvey's.

Kurthish speed-read the menu, then eyed the waiter standing near his table. "I'll have the Harvey's Ham smothered with melted cheese, four slices of bread with strawberry jam, a full order of meatballs with that tangy sauce, a pitcher of orange juice...and an apple."

The waiter nodded calmly (hefty men were often seen here, so he wasn't surprised), jotted it down, and quickly walked away. Meanwhile, deciding to pass the time, Kurthish pulled a book out of his robe and started reading.

After reading for a little while, his tranquility was interrupted by the sound of metal sliding against metal.

* * *

"Greetings, rogue," the girl greeted him, smiling darkly and holding a glowing longsword in one hand. "Who do I have the pleasure of speaking to? Not that it matters, of course."

Other than a page being flipped, there was no response.

"Who am I speaking to?" she repeated. "I can't just put 'Anonymous' on your"

"My name's Kurthish, and you're standing in my light, lady," Kurthish said without turning his head.

The girl folded her arms. "My name's Sherra, and that's just too bad. You going to fight or surrender?"

"You going to sit down or shut up?" Kurthish uttered quietly, still reading. "Menu's on the table."

Sherra gritted her teeth. "You must be either very strong or very dumb to just ignore me. Which are you, anyway?"

Kurthish flipped another page and said nothing. Irritated, Sherra raised her sword and jammed it through the book he was reading. "There. Now face me like the mazoku you are, you coward."

Not even this seemed to rile the chubby mazoku; instead, he examined the part of the sword that had been stuck through his book. Raising a finger, he traced it along the sword's side; this left a glowing red line that turned maroon. "Nice sword. Think I'll use it as a bookmark."

"A BOOKMARK?" Sherra nearly shouted, incredulous. "Nothing except the Sword of Light can break it! Are you implying that I'm some sort of fool?"

Kurthish waited a second until the maroon line turned black, then easily snapped off the sword's blade beyond the line and stuck it between the pages he was reading. "No. I'm implying that as long as YOU'RE here, I won't be able to get any reading done. Are you going to sit down or not?" he asked irritably, slipping the book into a hidden pocket within his robe.

The broken longsword clattered to the floor alongside Sherra's icy demeanor. "That...sword...was..." After several seconds of stuttering, she grabbed the back of the chair and yelled directly into his ears, catching the attention of most of the restaurant's patrons. "YOU STUPID FOOL! Lord Dynast personally oversaw the forging of that sword centuries ago, and had it designed especially for me! How could a SIMPLETON such as YOU use...it...as...a...BOOKMARK!"

Unseen by Sherra, an annoyed Kurthish's brown eyes flashed orange. "You're a really noisy girl, you know that?"

Shocked into silence by this remark, Sherra didn't say anything. It was about this time when several servers brought in the meal Kurthish had requested. After paying them off, he wasted no time in digging in.

Now, keep in mind: Sherra had already determined that Kurthish was one of the two "rogue" mazoku that the rumors spoke of. However, he wasn't acting very monster-like at all. Most people with an ounce of intelligence would be afraid of a mazoku, especially a second-in-command of one of Shabranigdu's direct servants. Kurthish wasn't, and the people he'd been seen with seemed to like him somewhat. Also, no one should've been able to break her longsword; the Sword of Light was the only known weapon capable of surpassing it, and yet this unknown had broken it like a stick.

But the clincher was that he had a small smorgasbord of food arrayed in front of him...and he was ENJOYING it. "Mazoku don't eat," Sherra complained, sheathing what was left of her broken sword. "They don't have anything REMOTELY like a digestive system. You're only fooling yourself."

"There's no rule that says mazoku can't eat," Kurthish argued after swallowing a bite of ham, his eyes glowing a brighter shade of orange. "They either don't choose to or they just decided to tell themselves that they couldn't eat, and then changed themselves to match. Your standards have fallen really low since Ruby Eye was imprisoned; can't even enjoy a cherry pie now and then."

Sherra folded her arms and spoke, her voice snide. "Hardly. We're still superior to humans in every way. Our standards are still intact, which is more than I can say of you."

"Teh," Kurthish scoffed, turning to face her for the first time; his eyes had faded back to brown, so he didn't look as dangerous as he sounded. "At least some humansI'm not saying all, I'm saying SOMEcan tell when something's wrong with them. On the other hand, you're so flawed that a child could tell me what's wrong with you."

"If you're so smart, then tell me," Sherra challenged, her eyes and voice cold. "What's wrong with me?"

Kurthish smirked a bit, detecting some smoke. "For starters I set the back of your uniform on fire just by making my eyes glow orange, and you didn't notice a thing."

Three seconds later Kurthish was able to enjoy the rest of his meal in peace, ignoring the clapping coming from several tables.

* * *

A short while after the last of the food had settled, the entire group met up again outside the Zesty Stew Pot. "So, how'd it go?" Kurthish asked.

"It was alright, but most of their sandwiches leave a lot to be desired," Lina told him, somewhat displeased but shrugging it off. "And their stews were too spicy, so I gave them to your friend." She turned to Kharlosa, one eyebrow arched. "And wipe that smug look off your face before I wipe it off for you."

"There was something that happened earlier that you probably know about," Zelgadis said, gazing at a small map. "What was with that strange girl who ran around screaming like crazy?"

Gourry nodded. "She was yelling something like 'hot, hot, hot' each time she ran by. Was there something wrong with her?"

Kurthish shrugged. "She said she was there to destroy me, but she's just some noisy girl who wouldn't shut up and leave me alone."

Kharlosa's smugness disappeared. "Did she say who she was, amigo?"

"She said her name was 'Sherra', or something or other. Why?"

Kharlosa's eyebrow twitched; Lina and Zelgadis stood stock still, nonplussed. Kharlosa spoke first, though. "Buddy, you just ticked off the second-in-command of one of the world's leading mazoku."

"So what? I was trying to read," Kurthish explained, indignant. Behind him, the silhouette of a mazoku appeared and raised an open hand. "It's hard to concentrate when a yappy girl thinks she's all that AND a slice of cake." Winking twice at Kharlosa, he stooped down as if to pick something off the ground...

...and Kharlosa fired a shot from his index finger right into Sherra's right hand, causing the preparations for a super-powered Icicle Lance to backfire. Lina, Gourry, and Zelgadis immediately tensed in case of retaliation, but their attacker's right hand was already absolute-zeroed.

* * *

Sherra looked down at her right hand, then up at Kharlosa and Kurthish. She took note that the others with them were quite capable of making Lord Dynast search for a new general, but her anger released that note from her mind. If anything, her expression looked quite comical (just not to her). "You are a disgrace," she snarled, an imaginary vein throbbing. "You fools are nothing like us. You're more interested in fooling around and disrespecting the names of those stronger than you. You...aren't...evil."

"Oh, get over yourself, senorita," Kharlosa said, smiling and walking past her. "We're evil, and we know it. And you can tell Dynast that he doesn't have to worry about us; we got a job offer that we could afford to take."

Sherra's anger dissipated slightly. "You aren't? I thought for sure that..."

"They're right," Lina spoke up cautiously. "Someone hired them to travel with me and make sure nothing terrible happens."

"Who?"

"I can't say," Lina said, an evil smirk of her own forming. "In the words of Xellos"

"I get the idea, thanks," Sherra interrupted. The fact that they wanted to keep the duo's mysterious employer a secret spoke volumes; it had to be someone with a lot of power, for instance. Deciding to deliver her report to Dynast, she turned her gaze back to Kurthish and Kharlosa. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm leaving. Don't do anything stupid, or I'll be back to finish what I started."

**snap-hiss**

"Well, that was...interesting," Zelgadis thought aloud. Sarcastically, he added: "I wonder why she wanted to attack you in the first place."

"Something about wanting to exterminate rogue mazoku on Dynast's orders," Kurthish said. "I didn't get much more on the..."

"There's something you guys said that's been bothering me," interrupted Gourry, who had found the situation a bit confusing but didn't bother to say anything up until now. "You guys said that you're evil, but you've been with us almost three days and you haven't done a single evil thing yet."

Lina blinked at Gourry's comment, a bit surprised that he had brought it up. "Uh-huh. That's right."

"Actually, I put something on her uniform when I walked past her," Kharlosa said.

"What was it?"

Kharlosa gestured for everyone to lean closer. Once they did so, he spoke in a low whisper what he'd done. Shortly afterward...

"Okay...that's fairly evil."

"Of course it is. See, senor Zelgadis? We're evil. We just show it a bit differently, that's all."

"Okay, we've wasted enough time around here." This was Lina. "Let's get going. Adventure doesn't wait!"

* * *

Meanwhile, many miles north, Sherra rematerialized in her lord's lair. In a bit of a huff, she unsheathed the broken longsword and let it drop onto the floor.

Dynast, who chose to resemble a handsome young man in an armored uniform, arched an eyebrow. "Something wrong, my general?"

"I'LL say there's something wrong," Sherra snapped. "Those 'rogue mazoku' you ordered me to exterminate don't act like mazoku at all! My first target almost completely ignored me, snapped my sword like a twig and used it as a BOOKMARK, then ordered a meal and claimed to enjoy it! When I tried to discourage him, he set me on fire!" She spun around 180 degrees. "SEE!"

Dynast nodded, taking note of two things: #1, the uniform's back was scorched completely black; and #2, there was a little piece of paper stuck to it. "So I see," he said calmly, getting up and walking until he was right behind her. "I'll need to order a stronger sword forged, then. Anything else?"

"Yeah," Sherra growled half-heartedly, her mind still on the earlier incidents. "Seems someone claimed their services already. They didn't tell me much, but what I DID get implied that someone with a ton of power has entered the game. Equal to us, possibly more."

This got Dynast's full attention. "Indeed? This is certainly worth investigating. Starting tomorrow, I want you to trail them and see if they divulge any more on the subject. Keep out of sight the best you can." He nodded. "And tell the castle seamstress to repair your uniform. You're excused."

Sherra sighed and nodded her head, then started to walk away

and found herself pitched a dozen meters forward. Stumbling to a halt and regaining her bearings, she looked around. "What just...happened?" she wondered aloud, confused. "How did I...?"

Taking a look behind her, Sherra saw that Dynast was walking away as if nothing had happened. Figuring that it was of no consequence and putting the strange occurance at the back of her mind, she phased out.

* * *

As he sat back down, Dynast eyed the little yellow note that had been stuck to Sherra's uniform earlier. "Whoever those two are, they definitely have a mean sense of humor," he murmured. "Not ones to be underestimated."

For written in rather sloppy writing was the phrase: "Kick me if you hate dragons."

* * *

I'm starting to feel as if this story is starting to turn into Mazoku Central. Therefore Lina, Gourry, and Zelgadis will play the major roles in the next part as they search a vampire's castle in search of some sort of treasure.

In Part Seven, I said I'd list the references and cameos for those who missed some of them. Here you go:

Beavis and Butthead (I don't like the show; I just like the laugh)  
Ami Mizuno (or Amy, take your pick), "Sailor Moon"  
The Knights who say "Ni", "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"  
Ryoga Hibiki, Kodachi Kuno, "Ranma 1/2"  
Conan Edogawa, "Case Closed"  
Lupin III, Inspector Zenigata, "Lupin III"  
Kuroneko-sama (the black cat), "Trigun"  
Kenshin Himura, Soujiro Seta, "Rurouni Kenshin"  
Groucho Marx  
Tom Bergeron, "America's Funniest Home Videos"  
Jim Carrey, "The Mask"  
Garfield  
The Tick  
Electrode, "Pokemon"

Also contained references to the following:

"Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure", which Luna Inverse was  
accidently drawn into at the end of a previous chapter.

The rock group Weezer and their song "My Name Is Jonas", which  
was where the mayor's name came from. Hey, I thought it was a good  
pun at the time. Okay?


End file.
